See ya!

Gathering strength
Facing the wind
Walking away
Goodbyes to send

Peace in my soul
Sadness at bay
Not crazy enough
To desire to stay

Me and you
What a combination
One part loneliness
2 parts frustration

And if I could
Ever call it clear
I would have admitted
why you were near

What you gave
was small indeed
No longer necessary
Your ego to feed

Parting was easy
No love loss here
Not half as crazy
as you thought, dear

Wind in my face
Feel so free
Finally owning truth
And you I can see

On my own
Settling into me
Happy at last
Found the key

Know what I want
And what I deserve
What I have to give
And how to serve...

RESURGAM

Burnt
down
again...

Gray Calling...

It is not the rain
I fear
but the cold.
It is not the bleeding
but the coagulation
and the cessation
of the pain.
Numbness
beckons me,
a seductive lover
promising
more than he can deliver.
But
the temptation
looms
largely in front of
my eyes
still wet with tears
that I tired of crying
weeks ago.
There are no tears
when you are
detached-
I could wear a wry smile
and look down
upon the mortals
who live
in the land
where waters run deep.
Perhaps
I will remember
feeling
or
perhaps
all will be erased.
I long
to close off
with the intensity
of someone
who lives stupidly
with emotion
in each
ungraceful breath.
Vivid colors
surround me,
I hurt,
bleed
and scream;
grayness calls,
offers
to envelop me
and lull me to sleep;
it seems harmless
and tranquil
to give up
and give in.
I could
be released
and cling to the nothingness
but
gray really isn't my color
so I stumble
and walk on...

We are all broken...

We are all broken
though only some seem to bleed
We are all broken
and are scattered like seed

We are all broken
each one missing a piece
We are all broken
seeking that sweet release

Disconnected from each other
and from our future home
We are all broken
but we are all Known

We are all broken
though some still dance
and others hide in self protection
and miss out on their chance

We are all broken
though some tears have dried
and some wounds still cause pain
and pierce deep inside

We are all broken
We are all incomplete
We all need each other
in victory and in defeat

We are all broken
but we can love just the same
destiny has arrived
she is calling your name

We are all broken
Yet still the Son shines
He heals our hearts
one soul at a time...

Weighty Matters

She is bigger
than some
smaller than some
not good enough
still
Beauty is
a weighty
matter
and it lays
heavily
upon her chest
self consciously
for all to see
she loathes
herself
for a moment
or two
when the jeans don't fit
and the tears
spill down her face
she tries to catch them
before they ruin her make-up
but she is outnumbered
and so
they fall
with her spirit
and lay
in a puddle on the ground-
a precious resource
the tears of an almost woman
grieving what she isn't
and missing
all that she is
oh-
that she could see herself
through my eyes
she would never cry over split denim
again...
the truth leans in and whispers this question to me:
how many years
did she hear you
worry about your weight
before she picked up her own unnecessary cross
and stumbled
under it's weight?
It is not just she I needed to adore...

Known

Blame me
if you need to
tell yourself
I am needy
and wanted too much
but we both know that
the truth
will whisper
to you
in the dark
Drink it down,
swallow it,
or
smoke it away
but we both know that
the truth
will whisper
to you
in the dark
let me go
rearrange facts
and pretend
while professing to be honest
but we both know that
the truth
will always whisper
to you
in the dark...

Unafraid

I am not afraid of hard
I am not afraid to cry
I am not afraid of you
or of saying goodbye
I know how to be alone
and work
my fingers to the bone
I know how
to put everyone's needs ahead
of my own
I am not super-mom
or super woman
or anything like that
but I am not afraid
to bear the pain
that falls upon my back
I have lived here
for years
and have cried
all the tears
I have to cry
I can no longer lie
Out of the truth
springs the hope;
hope and hard work
with that
I can cope
hope and hard work
are different
than
hard work
and despair
I have finally left there
and I am unafraid
of what lies ahead
my head is high
I have nothing to dread...

Untold

His eyes close
and
He remembers
He feels her again
It is like
she is almost there
her heart beating
right up against him
he reaches out...
to call
to touch
to tell
but stops
He thinks
He pulls back
He waits
He dreams
eyes and heart
momentarily open
He imagines
He hopes
all silently
And she moves on
because
she didn't know...

Long Goodbye

The words
stuck in my throat
pushed up
by an unwilling
heart
and a resistant spirit
my brain
insisted
and finally
overcame
the emotions
that held me captive
and
underneath the surface
shooting to the top
I breathe deeply
drinking in the sun
Hope bubbles up
all around me
I am surrounded
by light
buoyed up
I finally do
what I have been saying
and actually swim for shore...

Unquenchable

Strange man
Stroking hands
Run along
Her body
They move
in rhythm
on the dance floor
Fused together
only clothes separating
Their bodies
The divide between hearts is too wide
to describe
Song changes
Ooh
She likes this one…
Different man
Same hands
Run along her
Brush against
Her breasts
She laughs
Drunk and easy
to please
and to prey upon
He’s hungry
and if she’s aloof
He moves on
until he finds
the girl for the night
or for the hour
or for the song
whichever
No one matters
here
Not him
Not her
only the flesh
Cries
(And me…
I cry
watching her)
Their hearts
are numb
They only feel
with their bodies
What is real
has become illusion
and The Lie
twists around their minds
mixes with the alcohol
and becomes the truth
And they think they are free…
But they are shackled
and bound
to each other
and to no one
and they are alone
She with her shame
He with his desires
They are silent
and unquenchable
and she doesn’t know it
and he doesn’t know it
There is no “they” for them
and no “I” either
Empty; they stroke again
But they are unquenchable still…

The Cost...

Glorified whore
for how many years
did I sacrifice
My mind
My body
And the half of my soul
That was lulled to sleep
By the familiar
reality
we created
First for ourselves
And then-
God forgive us
for them…
I have
Stood up
and
Straightened
My hair
And my skirt
Shrugging off the debris
That is falling down
All around me
The price for that?
3,000 a month.
For how many years
did I stay
with my value amounting
to less than 36,000 per year?
For them
I laid down
Alternately
yelling
and silencing
My cries
Afraid to claim
The truth
And walk away
Afraid to hurt them
I realized today
A simple truth
Two wrongs
Don’t make a right
They make two wrongs…
I am liberated
And the cost
will be paid
by my children…
Sadly
They have been paying for years
No escaping this for them
Either way…
I weep
Every day
How big must God be
To atone for that kind of sin?
To comfort that kind of loneliness?
The same God
that has been comforting us all along?
It was messy before
It is messy still
Lives are touched and bruised
By my choices
My hands
are stained
My heart
is broken
How will I ever make it up to them?
I cannot atone any longer
For my original sin
It has been killing my spirit
A day at a time
For too many years
I walk away
No longer a whore
trying to be good
Just a woman
who can look at herself
in the mirror
and finally accept the only love
that matters at all
It is on His back
I am carried...
On His goodness
I am saved...
His glory
That shines upon me...
His love
That makes me whole...

Resting...

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I have been so tired for so long… but I am finally resting in His love. Liberation has come to me! Paid for by the blood of my Savior. I understand at forty what I have been upside down about all these long, lonely years. I get it! It really isn’t about me at all…only about Him. He loves me because of who He is. I can do nothing to extinguish that love and I can do nothing to earn it. He loves me absolutely. This is the good news of the gospel I have been searching for. I have been lost inside the maze of feeling unworthy of His love and consequently have not accepted love well from any other source either. I have wanted so badly to please Him and everyone else. I have done things inside out and backwards as a result. I have tried to earn that love from everyone. If I was just good enough, then…Guess what? It doesn’t work. I am so utterly imperfect. We all fall short of the glory of God; all of us. What an incredible relief to me. It is okay that I am imperfect for the first time in my life, that I sin, that I make mistakes. He has covered me with His love. I am justified through Him.

I now know that all love originates in Him. If you love me, it is a gift from Him. If I love you, it is a gift from Him as well. When I don’t love, it is about me, not the other person. When I am not loved, it is about the other person and not me.
“I was blind, but now I see.” I literally feel like blinders have been removed from my eyes and my Savior is tangible and real to me in a way that He never was before. His love has not increased for me. I just can see Him more clearly. My desire to learn of Him is so I can better know who He is and celebrate Him in my life through love. This must be why people shout praises unto Him. I gave Him my sins, sorrow, and burdens. He took them willingly and in return gave me the peace that passeth all understanding. What an incredibly wonderful exchange!


All of this came about because I have a friend who asked hard questions of me that I am not sure he knows the answers to. How grateful I am to walk this path with people who aren’t afraid to wonder at it all and who,though imperfect, manifest His light through their hands. I am full of joy as I marvel at the beauty of His greatest creations; us! Thank you to my friend...when it is all said and done, nothing will ever be as big as the gift that you gave to me.

A dialogue between two broken souls....

Part of your Heart
Kiss me gently
and
ferverently
Look at me
and into me
with tenderness
give me
a part,
a taste
of your heart
and I will
open up
and share what I have left
to give
what I have left
to believe in
reserve what you must
for the
darkness
that still haunts you
pay homage
to that god
until the account
is settled
and
you are at peace
but
kiss me
my love
my friend
with all that is left over
and give it freely,
gently
and slowly
don’t hold back
and
find your way
to me...

A dialogue between two broken souls...

Unresponsive
If I had
a part of my heart
to give
and
I could pull back
from the noise
and
stand
in the silence
and
even access
that remote place
in me
perhaps
I could share it
for a while
with you…
but more likely
I will turn
away;
away from it
and away from you
god-
I am sorry…
please
love me anyway
in spite of it all
I need you to…

The Dream

Come with me
I am
taking you
for a ride
through
twists
and turns
of truths
half hidden
waiting to be
dislodged
and discovered
the road
winds,
wild
with underbrush
I laugh,
you place a flower
in my unruly hair
blinded
in parts
the path
is obscure
and
dark
I drag you
along
tripping
over your
pessimism
we stumble
and land
in a heap
laughing
at the absurdity
of it all
gathering
renewed strength
we
tiptoe
together holding hands
then
burst into a full sprint
the path
ends…
a deep pool
of still water
invites us in-
we enter her soul
and
drown...

I Turn...

Locked
inside
where
truth
sometimes
hides
I turn
and
I am free
to explore
my beliefs
and yearn
and learn
and continue
on this path
of imperfection
change occurs
but some truth
remains
I turn
I do not
casually
give away
what has been given
to me
by God
I do not
deny
His love
His voice
His hands
I turn
and see that the way
to Him
at times
is as clear
as mud
and I swim through it
upstream
slowly
laboriously
I pause
and
I turn
away
and float
down river
briefly
delighting
in the apparent
ease of it all
I turn
and
I wonder
why it is difficult
yet
I turn again
and
still I swim
and search
reaching,
naked
and
vulnerable
as a baby
and
I look
on my right side
and He is there
I look
on my left side
and He is there
He is before my face
leading
guiding
loving
me
through
the mazes
of contradiction
I have created
He sees me
wholly
in my imperfection
and loves me still
And so I turn…

let us...

let's not say goodbye
or until later
or anything
at all
let's have the silence
speak the truth
in a whisper
instead
let's lean in close
and hear it
reverberate
off the rocks
and crash down
violently
against
itself
let's look away
as it fragments
into a million pieces
and tell ourselves
there is no other way
let's admire
the beauty
before the destruction
and close our hearts
to the cries
and maybe
just maybe
light will burst forth
out of the darkness
and we will again
see...

Put your hands on me

Your words caress me
Balm to my weathered soul
There is fire in your touch
That I cannot control

Dancing with you
In rhythm in my mind
So close to heaven
You’re all I want to find

Chorus:
Put your hands on me
Take me where I want to go
Put your hands on me
But please take it slow
Put your hands on me
Offer that sweet release
Escape to heights unknown
and taste that exquisite peace

There is an oasis
Far away from here
Where only bliss exists
And there are no more tears

There is a space
Between your world and mine
Where together we soar
And touch the divine

Chorus

But how do we get there
How do we stay?
How do I reach for you
and let them fade away?
How do we get there
and cross that divide?
let go of the fear
and lay our trouble aside?


Chorus

At-one-ment

As I have been pondering the atonement these passed few days, I have been delighted to feel the sweet relief that comes from the realization that I am forgiven because of who He is, not because of who I am. And not to diminish my worth because I have caught glimpses of how He sees me and what my true potential is as a daughter of God. There is a pressure, though, when I think that the atonement has something to do with me. When I think I can somehow climb out the hole by myself and claw my way to the top...like He will meet me there but only if I am good enough. How erroneous on my part! He climbs into the hole and boosts me up out of it. I don't need to claw my way out...only let go and allow Him to change my heart which then changes my perspective and allows me to more freely love.

I have spent many hours pondering truths and falsehoods over the passed two weeks. I have thought deeply about what I believe and what I stand for and I have been asked really tough questions. I realized more about my weaknesses then I ever cared to know, but I also realized which of my beliefs are steady and which are precariously positioned on a sandy foundation.

What I discovered is what I already knew, out of all the relationships I have in the world, my greatest one is with my Savior. All the good that I can give comes from that one relationship. When I falter in that relationship, I falter in every relationship. Conversely, when I really love Him, I cannot help but love others around me...so if I am faltering in my relationship with someone here, I need to strengthen my relationship with Him.

My vision of myself is so much clearer when I remember how He sees me and what I am worth, again not because of my gifts or talents, but because I am part of the divine...justified through my Redeemer.

The peace that comes from this knowledge cannot be compared with any earthly, temporal feeling that comes through my body. It transcends the body and speaks without words to the part of me that can hear the truth regardless of what the outside world is whispering in my ear.

I am full of gratitude for my Savior and the love He has for me and for the lengths He was and is willing to go for me.

May I learn to be more like Him...

Indulged

my sense
all but left
my body
and
my self
yet
my senses
were
heightened
taunt
ready to spring
wavering
like a field
of daisies opening
to the sun
in the heat
of the summer
every petal
dancing
to the rhythm
of you

Joy

Have you ever felt like you were standing in the exact spot you needed to be and that everything happening around you was perfectly choreographed with your happiness in mind? Have you ever had dirt up to your elbows and mud squishing up between your toes as you wrestled with your demons, knowing that you are right where you are supposed to be? That is where I am standing and I am savoring it today; rolling it around on my tongue and letting the taste linger. I don't want it to end. Even as I falter, I am at peace for I know that it is part of the lesson that I am to learn. I have a peace that is imperfect but wonderful, none-the-less. I am not untouchable or removed. I bruise, sometimes too easily. I bump into things and into people; yet I relish it. I want to live right here imperfectly and get bruised and taste the whole experience, not just the spiritual highs or understandings that make it all worth it, but the whole vivid, colorful experience; the fear and the faith, the sorrow and the joy, the hope and the despair. I love this crazy life I am living. I am ungraceful but satisfied. I am finally content with the ugliness of it all and it has become so incredibly beautiful to me in the process. Beautiful; like a child covered in chocolate pudding and laughing with it all over the floor and table. Not beautiful; like a frozen picture portraying perfect people who look good from the outside. The beauty in the dance of this life is in the messiness of it! To quote Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus, "Take Chances, Get Messy, and Make Mistakes." I have been doing that for years but now I am happy about it. I am stepping on other's toes and they are stumbling over mine as well. They hurt and I hurt but through this dance I learn to live and I realize what I have known all along; the joy is in the journey. When I embrace that, I am free.

Sacred Ground

Dedicated to the 9 American Soldiers killed in Afghanistan yesterday. May we always remember the cost of our freedom. It is not free.

Blood seeps down
slowly
absorbing
into the ground
hearts break
half way around
the world
from that dried up
thirsty ground
Tears fall down
quickly
and drench
the ground
the safe, green ground
that is all around
US
Can you hear
the cries
as they fall
deep and down
into that khaki ground?
Will you stop
and hear the sound
of freedom found?
It is quiet
but it has a price
I am so glad your life is nice
Listen if you can
you will hear
the
drip
drip
drip
of the blood of a man...

Reduction

Go on then
let it go
reduce it in your mind
to a desire
that must be killed
through distance
let me know how that feels
and how that works for you
I let it go
as well
but differently
and had the ride of my life
I smile
when I remember
and hope
when I look forward
I prefer
my approach
but I do not pretend
ever
do you?

I need you

Dedicated to my sisters on the journey who are still waiting...

Oh, my forever love
where are you?
How I want to see your face
kiss your lips
read your soul
with your hands on my hips
and lay with you forever
I need you
but not yet
I need you
but not now
I am still preparing
somehow
becoming
developing
into the person
you will love forever
though I know
if I saw you tomorrow
I would want you right then
the time is not yet at hand
I finally understand
that although I need you
I don't need you now
I need you forever
so I will wait for now
and count upon
the glory of heaven
if necessary
I can wait
you are worth every moment
of separation
every tear I have cried
missing you
desiring you
and our life together
I can picture it in my mind
and I have held your hand
a thousand times
but I need to get back to work
and live here
right here
in this day
without you
and I can do it with a smile
and
peace
and
a grateful heart.

Musings on Miracles

I am so filled with happiness and joy! I have finally been released from troubles that have appeared to be hanging over my head. The last puzzle piece fell into place and I am grasping truth that is now setting me free. I have been liberated. The Lord never lets me down.

I did something really hard yesterday, something that I didn't want to do, but I did it because I needed to be obedient. Sometime between then and now, I gained peace and understanding about the situation and about my life and the trials that have been happening over the last year or so. I don't feel trapped by myself anymore. I feel so much freedom. I am okay with not knowing the end of my story, because I know enough of the end to pacify me. I know the Savior and who He is and so I am free from earthly cares and worries. Hallelujah!

I am constantly amazed at the mercy the Lord shows me. He teaches me again and again and when I falter, He catches me and teaches me again. By doing the hard thing, I gained the blessings that I needed to understand my purpose in the situation. What a terrific trade off.

I feel a love for people today in a brand-new-explosive-take-action-kind-of-way. It suddenly didn't matter if they loved me at all, only that I love them. What a powerful experience that was for me. At last, I was not the first person on my list and instead of feeling awful and deprived, I felt joyful and overflowing with good feelings.
My life slammed into perspective and I realized that I have been horribly distracted by problems that aren't really significant. I don't really have any problems. I just need to go about my business of serving the Lord in my unique way. I need to fulfill my divine mission and keep my focus outward.

It is probably true that I have learned this lesson before and forgotten it. It is beautiful to be reminded again. And if I forget again, please remind me to reread this blog entry.

May the Lord's blessings fall upon each one of you. Thank you for your love.

Truths

Thoughts are swimming so quickly around in my head, I am struggling to capture them, and pin them down. They are alluding me, playing hide and go seek. I am at a disadvantage but I still delight in the game. I have discovered some awful truths about myself and I have been liberated! I rescue. I love. I let people off the hook so that they will still love me after they screw up. Some of them do it right back for me so that is a nice, but twisted payoff. I discovered this from studying the books from the Arbinger Institute and pondering the boxes I carry around. It has not been a graceful experience. Tragically, the ones I love the most, I have let down the most. For example, I tend to take all of the responsibility in a situation and spare the other person from owning their part. This works great in situations where someone doesn't want to admit fault and then we each go on our merry way. Me, feeling happy, that I have sacrificed and protected and seemingly have done the right thing. And he, feeling unburdened and off the hook; no guilt, no apology, no accountability. This week the Lord revealed that is not loving on my part. I am robbing he whom I claim to love. This shattered my self-perception but regardless, it is true. I can no longer take responsibility for what he does, only what I do. That means that if you are in a relationship with me, you are going to be held accountable and I can't take the fall for you anymore. And it means that if you have been in situations with me and I lied to protect you; that was wrong and needs to be righted by you. I only say this because I love you. And that is the truth. I am not noble, it turns out, just afraid to lose your love. But no longer. I am a woman and not a girl anymore. The truth has always kind of spilled out of me, sometimes like a melting ice cream cone all over my dress. It isn't always pretty nor am I. But if you touch me, I am real and unbreakable, in a way. I think you are too, underneath the veneer you wear as a shield. Unraveled, you are more beautiful than words. Isn't God grand? Look at what He has made. He made you. I revel in His creation. We are each beautiful enough to speak the truth and be loved, every one of us, whether we believe it or not. I believe it. Glory to God for showing me the truth, line upon line and for letting me see the beauty in you.

Blessings falling all around

We are being so blessed that I am feeling spoiled, like a favored daughter of God. Brandt's finger is regenerating and it already looks completely different. The bone is no longer exposed and he may have a fingernail grow back as well. That is way more than we expected given the first set of x-rays. When you look at the second set, it is hard to believe that in 8 days, a finger could change so much. How grateful I am for the priesthood and the home teachers who came on Sunday to bless our family. My foot surgery went well and although I wasn't expecting to be out of commission like I have been, everything has come together perfectly. My neighbors and board members came through, like always, and I have been able to rest a ton. I was driven to appointments and brought in meals and my kids were kept safe. I have kept my foot up and not had to do much of anything except watch movies and friends' episodes. Mandee came through like always and she held my hand while I yelled getting my shot. Me, who can go through natural childbirth, I about jumped off of the table. And I was so scared that I had to sing throughout the procedure which made my doctor smile. There is much in my life that I couldn't go through without Mandee and medical procedures seem to be near the top of the list. My kids spent the night and whole day with Michelle and I started to ponder the blessings of not having any family around to help me. There are many. The most important one seems to be that I am learning to rely on others and become interdependent with the imperfect but wonderful people around me. I sometimes hate that I am imperfect but as I ponder the love I feel for others who have crosses to bear and faults similar or different than mine, I am filled with hope. How beautiful to see, really see, another human being. And to know that Heavenly Father has that clarity with me all the time overwhelms my heart. With family around, I would not have learned to ask for help and I would not have accepted it when offered. I can see that the Lord knows me well and has designed my trials specifically with me in mind. If Graham were here, I would have had him do everything to avoid inconveniencing anyone else. I am prideful and like to be strong and stoic and alone; no wonder I have been given so many opportunities to learn to live through trials with others aiding me. I need help sometimes. The Lord provides the people to do the helping and I just have to be gracious enough to accept their love and feel the deep gratitude that comes with that humility. What a wonderful week and a half this has been!

My Love

Did you see the sky this morning, my love
Did you watch the colors bleed?
Did you think of me, my love
Did you wonder if I could see?
Did you forget where you were for a second
caught up in a memory?
Did you stop and lose your place my love
thinking of our chemistry?
Did you dream of me last night, my love
Did you picture us together?
Did your thoughts get interrupted, my love
wondering about forever?
cuz this is where I live, my love
all thoughts turn to you
this is where I live, my love
my heart belongs to you
we may be apart right now
but it cannot be for long
we may be apart for now
and have to stay strong
but this where I live, my love
all thoughts turn to you
this is where I live, my love
my heart belongs to you

Coming to Me

I have memories of dreams yet to come.
I see them
dancing before my eyes;
unfolding slowly
at first,
and then crashing
rhythmically
one on top
of the other
until
they are tangled
together
in a heap.
They pour
down,
strong
in technicolor,
and I am washed
over
and over.
I am open,
so open
to receive
them
finally.
And so they come,
finally
they come,
and we dance,
fused
together;
the blessings
and me

Nothing Changes...

Seasons follow
one another
and the leaves follow suit
we take pictures and document them
from year to year
Things change
but nothing changes
Children grow up
and emulate each other
and friends do the same
we take pictures and capture the moments
from year to year
things change
but nothing changes
Our bodies yearn
and learn and grow older
and others do that too
from year to year
things change
but nothing changes
we are still here
together
but separate
and we are still here
separate
and not together
things change
but nothing changes
My heart is still
beating
My heart is still
bleeding
things change
but nothing changes
Neither time nor space
nor lack of touch
can erase
that things change
but nothing changes…

Fall Right into You

This is the first poem that I wrote after many years of silence. I am posting it in celebration of the creativity that was ignited in me almost a year ago and to show gratitude for the gift.

You searched me and I knew you
You saw me and I saw you too
You gently loved me with your eyes
I am aching to fall right into you

I startle at the mention of your name
I begin to cry but try to restrain
You have turned me inside out
Yet I will never complain

I am joyful in the journey
Grateful for the glance
Happy for the happenstance
That was so much more than chance

I know what you can do for me
You can see me perfectly
With all heart, soul, body and breath
This bond transcends the bands of death

For I will wait if I must
I will walk on, and I will trust
For I know that I someday must
Fall right back into you

I will know you there again
You are my deepest, closest friend
God alone can see me through
All this time as I wait for you

I will wait until all earth is past
And you will be there at the last
Standing, holding, loving me
Throughout all of eternity

There we will stay for forever
There no time will tick by
I will be you, you will be me
We will exist eternally

Wrapped round and round each other’s arms
We will be protected from any harm
We will be more than we could ever be
As one, we’ll create eternally

Stats Update

Some of you may know that math is NOT my favorite subject. I barely passed the Algebra they make you take in college just so you can get into the real algebra class. I managed to skip the real algebra class altogether but I had to face statistics during the spring term. It was only six weeks long but I was dreading it in a way that only someone who shares my math phobia can understand. My teacher, Jessica, was a grad student and really awesome,except that she insisted on class participation. Imagine me, who loves to talk, stuck in a class where I know absolutely nothing, and being forced to comment. Let's just say it was humbling. Many times, I would trip over my words and get concepts mixed up with each other. My friend, Michael, whose memory is entirely intact because he is 22 and hasn't had any children yet, consistently cheered me up by making me laugh, usually because he was making fun of me! My goal for the class was a D- so I could graduate. It would tank my GPA but I had to get over that. I got a 72 on my first test and it took two and a half hours to complete it. It was then that I realized one of the many reasons I didn't care for math. It takes too long. I grow impatient and miss details. The second test was worse, three hours long and it involved prayer, swearing and tears! It was a really quiet experience because I was in the BYU testing center and only some of those activities are approved! Twice, I wanted to get up and take my F. I knew I would fail the course and have to retake it in the fall. I struggled horribly and painstakingly earned as many points as I could. I got a 70 which was ten whole points more than I thought I would get. I about did a cartwheel and announced my meager grade to my classmates with pride. I was so grateful! I knew I needed to really study to pass the final. I dedicated a lot of time to it, as much as I realistically could. I did a 3 hour study session the night before with Michael, complete with an open door in a public setting. We both got a kick out of that! I had three friends in my class; Michael, Ammon and Travis who really took great care of me and explained things over and over patiently until I started to grasp it. Travis even trained me on how to use a graphing calculator which ended up saving me time. So, guess how I did on the final?????????????I will give you a hint. I did way better than I ever expected. I got a 91% on my final which gave me a B in the class I most dreaded. I have had many A's in my college career but this is the grade that I most proud of and most grateful for. I learned so much about something that I thought was too hard for me to understand. My mind expanded and I saw the purpose of Statistics and can even explain it and work the equations. It is no less than a miracle. To all of you who are afraid to take on something new, I challenge you to take the Lord by the hand and see what He can do with you. It was an amazing ride. I am so glad I didn't jump off prematurely and miss the lessons He wanted so badly to teach me. The main one being, I can do things with Him that are impossible for me to do without Him. He surrounded me with love, laughter and help from a group of good men who had hearts of gold. It was an incredibly fulfilling experience. I can say in all honesty, I am grateful for Statistics and all that I now know. I am better for it,academically and spiritually and that is what life is all about...becoming better.

Thoughts on the Doggie Death Penalty

My son was bitten by a dog this week. I would post pictures but I don't want to look at them every time I post a poem. Suffice to say, he lost part of one of his fingers and it was a pretty traumatizing experience for him. He may have surgery on it to shave off the exposed bone or perhaps the soft tissue will grow around it and surgery won't be necessary. One doctor told me that boy's fingers are sometimes like lizards tails and they grow back! I really liked that doctor a lot! Hope is a powerful feeling. Brandt is the 2nd kid to be severely bitten so it is likely the dog will be put to sleep, or to be more blunt, killed. That idea has been really hard for me. For clarification, I did get really angry at the dog the night it happened. And I was pretty mad at some humans as well. But being angry and wanting a living thing to be dead are two very different emotions. I found out that I don't believe in the doggie death penalty but I am concerned about another child being even more injured than Brandt was. The good news in all of this is that I don't have to make the decision. The animal control people will. I feel sad, though, for the dog owner's and their grief over losing their dog. I feel sad for my son because if the dog is put down, he will likely feel some responsibility for that and be sad also. And darn it, I feel sorry for the dog, who in his limited ability, was trying to protect. He has learned to attack and will now continue to do so. He doesn't have agency like I do. He can't choose to change his ways. He will just continue to behave in the way he is currently behaving. He is stuck without hope. What a horrible way to live. How grateful I am to be able to choose in each moment how I want to treat other people. It is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. I am cherishing it this week because of a dog named Oreo. Thanks Oreo!

You are Gone

This is the first song that came to me with music attached! A giant step for this poet without any instrument training.

Searching for your face
Among the throngs of those
Who all walk right on by
Like they don’t even know (that)

Chorus:
I am here
And you are gone
I am left
to carry on
People look at me
Expect me to move on
But I am here
And you are gone

Hungering for your time
Just one more touch from you
Longing for your arms
To embrace me like they do

Chorus

Listening for your voice
In the dead of the night
Crying out your name
And wanting all to be right
Dreaming of your soul
And mine Intertwined
Waiting for the day
When you again are mine (but)

Chorus

Essentially

From the beginning
of what we know of time
in this realm
until we remember what time
actually is
and means
When our comprehension
actually matches our capacities
and we can read
The Essene
and have it permeate our perfected bodies
"Be still
Know
I am
God"
When our intelligence
and light
flow out and through us
into the depths
of all that shall be
I will still be your friend
Even then
Especially then

Changing Me

I have experienced the beginnings of a change of heart. Those who know me well know it was desperately needed. Bonds that Make Us Free and The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self-Deception were all tools that helped Heavenly Father teach me. It is amazing to me how carefully He crafts the lessons I need to learn. I am nowhere close to where I need to be, but the Lord is leading me along and I feel grateful to be learning. Sometimes I feel a little slow that it has taken me so long to figure stuff out!

The main thing I have been learning is how different everyone else behaves when I change and how much power(in a good way) I have to bless my family based on my perspective. Sometimes I feel scared and sad and get caught up in the negativity of a situation. And sometimes, I want so badly to do the right things, that I beat myself up for small infractions when I am actually doing well and making progress.

I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who blesses me with strength beyond my abilities on a daily basis. I am amazed actually that I am still sane with 5 kids at home, Delainey at my Dad's, Graham in Afghanistan, being a full time student and doing the Charter School thing. This at times has felt overwhelming. Due to those fabulous books and the Spirit, I have realized that I need to live in the moment and that has allowed me to slow down in the moment and realize that in the moment, I am not rushed. Time stops in the moment because I am only there. I am not at the last place I was or the place that I soon need to be. I am only where I am. It is miraculous to have the same exact time restrictions but feel so much more peace.

I have been cooking with much greater frequency and finding greater joy in serving my children in that capacity. This morning when I was baking banana bread and making eggs and toast, there was about 20 minutes where I just felt calm. It is wonderful to be doing what I am supposed to be doing and feeling the feelings of those moments. Often, it happens when I am with my kids; sometimes I am in a board meeting or talking with a teacher; sometimes I am sitting and visiting with a neighbor, and always when I write, I get into this groove where what I am supposed to be doing is in sync with what I am doing and there is this connection that is so powerful. I love that it is completely unique for each of us and that we are dependent on the Spirit to know when and with whom those moments are supposed to take place. I love the gospel and my Savior. He is who I have to lean on when all my friends have gone away. Sometimes, I want human contact and I resist seeking His comfort. I am blessed to have many friends who love me but it is a blessing when no one else is there. I seek Him and He is there and I grow and become better. I have to admit that this week found me in tears many times. I didn't exactly love that He wanted me to seek Him and that I kept getting strengthened. Sometimes, I just want to curl up and be held. But, that is not why I am here. I am not here to be pampered. I am here to learn. And I am learning, tripping over myself as I go, but I am so happy for the angels and my Savior who buoy me up in the dark when I feel alone.

I am a Siren...

Come on over to the edge boy
Put your hand in mine
Come on over to the edge
You know everything is fine

Walk on over to the edge love
Let me touch your face
Walk on over to the edge
There is no time and space

Chorus:
I am a siren, siren, siren
Calling out to you
I am siren, siren, siren
There’s nothing I won’t do

My boss is the devil
He works without a sound
He uses me to please him
And then you fall under and drown

When you finally touch me
You will turn to stone
When you finally reach me
I’m already gone

Chorus:
Cuz I am a siren, siren, siren,
Calling out to you
I am siren, siren, siren
There’s nothing I won’t do
To get to you

Welcome Home

Welcome to Humanity
Where everyone counts
Where every fear
And need and want
Matters as much
As mine,
at first
And then
eventually matters more
Welcome to a shift
In thinking
Where every person
Passing you on the street
Has the potential to
Become a God or goddess
Welcome to Joy
As the layers peel away
And you find yourself
Lost in the work of the Master
Welcome to Heaven
Where good works abound
And all you can ever see
Is the face of another
Who needs you
Welcome to Truth
Where the collective You
Is all that matters
And being some small part
Of the circle of love
Fills your soul
To overflowing
Welcome Home!

A Thousand Splendid Suns

I recently finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. It was such a beautifully written novel of two women who grew up in Afghanistan. I found some profound truths about myself and the world within it's pages. It is a masterful author who can take me inside the heart of a fictional character and teach me about their country without me realizing I am being taught. It reminds me of what C.S. Lewis once said about needing less Christians who wrote about Christianity and more Christians who wrote about people who were Christian. It was like a history lesson given through watching how the history of Afghanistan impacted two people's lives. It was incredibly powerful and moving. I felt many emotions when I read A Thousand Splendid Suns. I felt invested in the success of the Afghani's. I felt duty and obligation stir within me. I felt grateful to have a husband who sees humanity when he looks into the face of an Afghani. He has seen that humanity from the moment he began to study middle eastern cultures. I felt reminded that life was not all about me and my needs and what makes me happy. I realized that what I am giving up in a husband and what my children are giving up in their father is blessing the lives of those who have suffered horribly at the hands of many different militant factions. The Afghani's have suffered in ways that make me shudder, turn away, bury my head and weep. Ways that as an American woman, I will never fully understand. That I could have been so preoccupied by my own families needs, when we are so very blessed, materially, spiritually and culturally, made me cry and repent. There are times in my life when my eyes have become open to my own blindness. This way one of those times. I have brothers and sisters across the world who stand in need of a stabilizing force so that they can feel safe walking the streets. I have sisters who long to be educated and contribute and rebuild their communities and their culture. The taliban prevented that for far too long. If my small contribution to their success is supporting my husband as he goes and serves there, I will do it cheerfully, for I have been rebuked, by the Father of us all, through the hands of a writer. Our Father never forgets his children. May I stand with Him and remember all of those who stand in need and do my part. This is my prayer.

Thought on Plato's "The Cave"

Perspective is Everything!

Becoming Jane

Dedicated to Charlotte Bronte who introduced me to my hero, Jane Eyre. She is my inspiration.

Rain and wind
whipping into my face
running and stumbling
leaving without a trace

Running blindly
I cannot even see
the only direction
comes from the voice inside of me

The golden meadow is my bed
the stars comfort me
My bible holds my weary head
cold envelops me completely

Working hard to let you go
nothing honorable left to say
Grief pierces my aching heart
at the end of another day

No matter where I go
no matter what I do
I will always be haunted
by the memory of you

Looking east at the coming dawn
I remember my heart’s song
yet I weep as I work
and I wonder how long

Wanting to be Jane
and praying that I might
transform my soul
into something right

Jane whose actions
ruled her emotion
Jane who bled
silently
and showed the Lord her devotion
instead
She honored herself
when she fled
from his presence
She honored the Lord
with her very existence

I am becoming Jane
I am becoming true
I am serving the Lord
as I run from you

I am becoming Jane
if it takes me the whole of my life
There is value in doing what’s right
in the middle of terrible strife

I am becoming Jane
and it hurts like hell
to stretch my heart
and never tell

Remember Jane
loved Mr. Rochester true
She fled and suffered
just like me and you

Remember Jane
risked life and limb
to show her honor
to God and within

With her feet
she walked the path
many choose to avoid
She claimed her victory
at the very end
when she was with the Lord

She gave up her love
her life, her joy
It took an extraordinary toll
She almost died
under the weight
but she never surrendered her soul

Absence of You

To be loved
And unseen
Seemed
a contradiction
Yet I am
beginning to see
A love
Beyond today
In our silence
And I am comforted
And reminded
That love
Is really considering the other person
Or people
And what is best
Eternally
For them
I am loved
the most
In the silence
And in the absence
Of you
You wavered
and faltered
But ultimately
You stayed true
I can see you
In my mind
Still my friend
Til the end
More my friend
than ever
I am being refined
Because of the silent moments
Without you
They are carving an imprint
On my soul
That is taking me
Where I need to go
This is the Best Of All Possible Situations
For me to learn
I am better
Without you
You knew
What I didn’t
You did
What I couldn’t
I thank the Lord
For the absence of you...

What will I find?

It has been over
For so long in my heart
I learned to fly solo
And now can't seem to start

I couldn’t keep needing you
When you were never there
My heart’s door slammed shut
And I ceased to care

I dried my tears
and killed my vulnerability
became a modern day woman
cloaked in invincibility

Chorus:
But if I walk away
What would I be leaving behind?
And if I turn around and stay
What might I possibly find?

Are there treasured moments
Of intimacy I can’t yet see
Are there mountains of memories
Of love between you and me?

And If open up again
And if I stay
I am vulnerable to that pain
That just barely went away

I am not certain
That I can make it through
One more time
Of needing you

And having you be gone
In body or in spirit
I am not convinced
that I am strong enough to bear it

Chorus

But what kind of woman
Would I really be
If I didn’t explore you
And truly try to see?

Last Chorus:

I won’t walk away
I’ll see what I’d be leaving behind
I will turn around and stay
And love what I find

There are treasured moments
Of intimacy I can’t yet see
There are mountains of memories
Of love between you and me

Self-proclaimed Recovering Cat Lady Story

Day 1
It all seemed so innocent. My neighbor Jen's sister had kittens that needed a home. We just had one cat,Scout and I am a sucker for small children who want small,furry animals apparently. So, I took not one, but two home with me that fateful summer day almost 2 years ago.

Day 340
The kittens got bigger. Little Ann and Old Dan,named after the dogs in Where the Red Fern Grows, seemed to be doing well. They were growing well and getting along...turns out, a little too well, as Little Ann was pregnant! Right around this time, in my defense, my husband fell and had a concussion that kept him out of work and unwell for 3 months so I was busy, to be sure.

Don't worry about the lecture regarding how many kittens are born and unwanted. I already know. I was simply too busy to take care of the darn cats and so...here I was.

Day 365ish
Little Ann delivers a healthy bunch of kittens. My children are thrilled. They can't imagine anything more wonderful than being a part of this miracle of nature. I was nauseated by it. I passed too quickly from the innocence of childhood to the reality of being an adult!

6 weeks later
Here is where the real problem began. Graham had recovered from his head injury and was back at work. It was time to get rid of the kittens. So, first we tried to talk everyone we knew into taking one. We got rid of one that way. Then, there were three kittens;Luke, Little Dan and Mylie. We almost got Mandee to take Mylie but her cat Cochino wouldn't die to make room at their house so Mylie stayed with us. Notice the sense Mandee used in only allowing one cat to enter her home at a time! That is why she is my best friend, she is REALLY smart! The next idea on my list was the humane society. I asked Graham to take them and he said ok and then didn't................................................................

Weeks later
We still had three kittens. I was then learning the painful lesson of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I didn't want to take the kittens in because I felt so guilty that I hadn't had the Mom cat fixed and I couldn't face the emotional trauma of confessing my sins to the cat loving worker at the Humane Society who would look on me with such disdain. I just refused to go. Apparently, Graham felt similarly. Well, probably not, but he didn't take them either. I stood on principle and wound up with a house full of cats. Not smart!


Weeks Later
Still waiting for Graham to take the dang cats to the pound.

Weeks Later
Still waiting for dang Graham to take the cats to the pound.

Weeks Later
Becca came and banished all cats to the garage!

One scary night while Graham was home on leave and I was blissfully unaware(and happy, by the way) in Hawaii, Graham woke up to find a strange cat, other than one of our 6, running through the house. He grabbed a dagger and chased it around, apparently bent on stabbing it if he got close enough. Becca got a huge kick out of this! I thought it was a little creepy myself.

A Week or so Later
Graham deployed to Washington State prior to his tour in Afghanistan. The cats do not deploy. They appear to be staying, unless Graham has planned a kidnapping reconnaissance mission from Washington State and enlisted the help of his buddies still here.

Still waiting...Well, a girl can hope!

A Few Weeks Later
The inevitable had happened AGAIN. We have quite the fertile home. Little Ann gave birth to litter number 2, bringing the total number of cats in my house up to 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't handle this well at all. The kids were again totally overjoyed!!!!
Sadly for the kids, one kitten died, bring our total number of cats to nine!

A Week or so Later
Old Dan dies in the garage. I refuse to even look at the poor cat so my neighbor comes and buries it in my backyard. I didn't even cry. What has become of me? I used to be so loving? Now, I hate cats.

One more down, seven to go!

I try to pay the neighbor kid $10 per cat to take the three older kittens (9 months old by this point)to the pound. He refuses.

4 Weeks Later
I called Animal Control looking for traps for the black stray cat that Graham almost killed weeks previously. By this point, I was wishing he had killed it. It was sneaking into our house at odd hours of the night and fighting in my basement with my cats. And frankly, the night that the neighbor's cat joined the party, I almost wanted to kill them myself!

2 Weeks Later
Animal Control finally called back. They don't have any traps available but I am welcome to buy the traps myself. Fearing that the cats would die in the traps before the animal control people got around to picking them up, I decided this wasn't going to work!
I begged my friends for mercy. They agreed to take the cats if I could catch them.

2 Weeks Later
Kicklighter's unite! We had to man our stations and set up the house. We were strangely giddy and nervous, like burglars about to steal a large diamond or something! But we were prepared. We had a cat carrier, a can of tuna, 2 toy boxes with lids and 7 able bodies! We went to work.

The first 4 cats were pretty easy to catch. We put them in a box and set Audrey and Jane on top of it so they couldn't escape because believe me they were trying to!

The next one fell for the tuna in the cat carrier trick. Thank heavens!

Delainey heroically picked up the next one and was badly scratched but she did it for the team. Yeah Delainey!

The last one was pyscho! Luke raced around the house like a crazy cat! Brandt laid on the floor in front of the vent, Monterey held the door to the basement closed. Jesse shut all the upstairs doors and we chased the cat around the house. He tore around the corners so fast and tried to climb up Monterey to open the door to escape into the basement. But she wouldn't let go of the doorknob, she just held it and screamed! Because she held it, Luke came racing up the stairs and ran right into the box and Delainey slammed on the lid and we seriously praised the Lord. This was after a few choice words by me! Sorry Kids! It was intense, really funny and hard, all at the same time.

One hour later
We drove to the Humane Society. I had to give them my driver's license and they put me on the bad cat person list. Not really, but that is how I felt. Surprisingly, they were really nice, especially after I paid them a huge amount of money to take them. It was worth every penny for sure! It sure assuaged some of my guilt! One kitty went home with a sweet lady whose kitten was dying so that helped me a little, but still six cats to the Humane Society....Do they euthanize? I didn't ask. I couldn't bear to know. I am a wimp.

My friends are wild with glee that my cats are gone. I am morose and guilt filled. I called my Dad. He felt guilty too and he lives in California. Apparently, I received a guilt gene from him. Thanks Dad!

Two days later
I am still trying to get over the guilt of being cat free except for Scout. It is eerily quiet at my home, especially at night around 4 a.m. I've slept right through 4 a.m. two days in a row. I feel unsettled.I have learned a valuable lesson about resentment though. What they say is true. Resentment is a poison you drink yourself that you intended for someone else. In all seriousness, I did NOT want to take those cats to the pound. I wanted Graham to do it. But, because I didn't take them, I wound up with a bigger problem (10 cats instead of 6) and then suffered the guilt over the new kitties! It wasn't worth it. So the MOTS(moral of the story)is, Take care of what your spouse refuses to do before it becomes a much bigger problem that you have to take care of anyway!!!

And another MOTS is Next time one of my kids asks for a pet, I will say NO! unless it is a rock. :-)

And that, my friends, is my cat story. Sorry it took so long to tell it. I was waiting for the cats to be gone first and frankly, that took a tiny bit longer than I expected!

Finals are Finally Over!

WHEW! I am happy to report that my finals are finished and I am into Spring term as of tomorrow! Only 5 more classes to go until I graduate. I had quite the semester going full time with my 6 kids and being board president. I can't claim to have handled it very gracefully. Many nights, I came home to a thrashed house with dirty dishes. Sometimes I was superMom and sometimes, I made everyone clean like crazy because I had to have control over something in my chaotic and overwhelming life. It wasn't always pretty and I definitely wasn't always pretty! Towards the end, with the health problems, I had to talk myself into showering on some days. I just ran out of energy. However, I made it through and my kids did too. Some of them think college isn't very fun, which isn't the impression I wanted to give, but it has been stressful to be sure. Again, I must report, I have been carried through the hardest parts. I had the Spirit tell me to not worry about a final last week because I wouldn't be there for it and then sure enough, I ended up in the emergency room instead! My teacher was very gracious about it. I talked a teacher into given us our final as a take home and was given extra time on my huge paper on Tess of the D'Urbervilles. My grades are way better than they should have been. I learned that doing my best at 39 with 6 kids is different than doing my best if I was young and single without any other obligations. The Lord indeed does His part and shoulders my burdens, consistently and with such incredible mercy. It is overwhelming to witness His love. I haven't had much time for poetry in the last few weeks but it is brewing internally so look for some in the coming days!

I have a great cat story coming as well. I just have to get rid of a few first! But it is funny!

Glorious Day

I can't let the sun go down on this Easter Sunday without sharing some thoughts about my Savior and the blessings I have received because of His infinite atonement. I realized this week how lucky I am to have gone through the trials that I have in the last eight months as well as all the trials of my lifetime. I have learned an incredible amount and have been carried through experiences that would have before been impossible for me to bear. I know the reason that I am succeeding is because of the love the Savior has for me and for the quiet direction that comes from the Spirit. I have been freed from things that have bound me over and over in my life. I understand complete victory through the Lord. And I am finally old enough to comprehend that those very trials are what have made me who I am and brought me closer to the Savior. Every complete victory I have ever experienced has come from being on my knees, admitting my inability to conquer alone and the subsequent strength and desire that comes directly from the Spirit. I feel so blessed to have had the journey that I have had because I know completely that He can do for me what I can not do for myself. I have experienced it first hand and my faith is steadfast and immovable based on the Savior's track record in my life. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol, sugar, lack of exercise, anger, pride or any other issue. What is fascinating to me is to actually understand the words of Paul when he talks about glorying in his infirmities because it increases his dependence on the Lord. I feel a tremendous amount of joy in the middle of great uncertainty about my future. I know for sure that Christ's gifts are continual. I need not wait for the happy ending at the end of my story but can feel the joy right in the middle of the path, whether I am beset about by pain or not. It no longer matters. I have agreed to bear the burdens of others. Sometimes that means that others will hurt me or judge me. Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong. It matters not which. It only matters that I promised to bear the burdens and all of you wonderful people are bearing my burdens as well. When I think about the people who have been brought into my life to teach me, I am overwhelmed by the desire the Savior has to bless each one of us. I could list for pages the friends that I have and how they have added to my life. Some of the greatest lessons have come from those that have let me down and hurt me. Still others have held me while I have wept from the pain inflicted by others or even pain I inflicted upon myself. It is a beautiful symphony with everyone playing a profoundly important part. I am filled with such peace as I walk this path and I am inexplicably grateful for my testimony of my Savior and the way I feel in this moment. A thousands thanks to all of you who have helped me along my way. I hope that I can be a blessing rather than a burden in your lives. If I have been a burden, I thank you for allowing me my imperfections and loving me anyways.

Vision Turned

If we could see the spirits
of those on the street
We'd take a moment
and stop them and meet
We'd linger in their presence
and learn what we could
We'd sit at their feet
longer than we should
Sometimes we are afforded
a glimpse into the soul
of someone who passes by
we are certain that we know
It is tempting in that case
to worship and bow down
Their glory is so great
You can almost see their crown
It is a precarious balance
to remember who they are
and admire and learn
without taking it too far
and sacrificing ourselves
or laying down flat
on top of the wrong altar
and being consumed like that
I have been thrown off
my course for a time
by the spirit of another
My focus became blind
I could see so clearly
the depth of love and care
I could see nothing else
and I tripped into the snare
What started as a gift
to be cherished and kept
became a winding trial
And oh-how I've wept
The truth has set me free
I can again see
I know what is required
and the place I long to be
My sights are again on heaven
and my soul turned to the Lord
He is all that I truly need
And that is all I can afford

Musings from my Hawaiian vacation

Well, it has been 15 years since I have had a real vacation for any length of time so naturally, it was going to be spectacular. And it was...just as I expected. Here are some of the highlights...

1st day-Mandee pronounced we could never get lost in an airport and then we promptly got lost in LAX. It turns out they have MANY terminals and we were in the wrong one for a long, long time! Luckily, we made a friend, Michelle, and the three of us practically ran to our terminal and then to our gate and sat down and waited for a half hour because the flight was delayed. I tired quickly of taking my belt off and putting it back on again. I had to go through security twice in LAX alone. It felt awkward doing that in front of large groups of people with stinky feet. I am referring to their feet, by the way, not mine!

We arrived in Honolulu at last. Our toiletries made it but ALL of our clothes were still in LA. Rats! I somewhat panicked. I needed my pajamas! Mandee took it all in stride and looked forward to shopping the next day. It was a rough 10 minutes for me while I tried to wrap my brain around not having all the new clothes I had just bought in a size 6 for the first time in years. How quickly one can go from being concerned about real problems to completely insignificant ones...but hey, I was on vacation and if there is ever a time for frivolity, this would be it!

Note to self: Next year; pack one bathing suit, cover up and flip flops in carry on.

We didn't cook or clean or do laundry or discipline anyone for any reason. There was no homework, no lectures, no carpools, no board meetings, no phones calls(okay, a few phone calls for the school),no responsibilities or decisions to make that affected lots of other people.

Did I mention it has been a while since I have taken a break?

Day 2
We bought new bathing suits and dresses! It was turning out better than I had hoped! Our luggage arrived and now I had more new clothes, not less! Isn't life grand?

Note to self: leave all clothes in checked in luggage.

We ate pineapple. We sat on the beach. I read a book without a purpose. It was delicious. This was the last day of straight hair for me. I had to roll with the humidity and go with what the Lord gave me...curls! I found out it is easier and that is what this week was all about...nice and easy!

We met a crazy, drugged man who beat us with bamboo mats when we didn't properly answer his question about whether he looked like a "bus man". I had no idea what he meant. I apparently answered incorrectly because that's when I got hit with the mat! We went inside after maintaining distance and watching him dance around and karate kick for a while.


Sadly, I have to resume my studying so I will write more about my vacation tomorrow. The real world is banging on my door. I have waited too long to answer. Tune in tomorrow to find out what happened next...

Check out the pictures for a preview. We had a blast and laughed ourselves silly.

Day 3

To prove I am a good friend, I rode a shuttle for 45 minutes for twelve dollars to go to a hawaiian flea market! And I ate soggy ceasar salad. It is hard to be a vegetarian around so much pork! Every stand had the same necklaces, t-shirts, bracelets etc. By the way, the necklaces are already broken...but wait, I am still on vacation in my mind so I will hurry back to my story!

We ate at Duke's or the Hula grill, I cant remember which. The food was yummy!

Some observations I made about myself on vacation:
I left my memory in LAX. I could only remember things that had to do with the sun:
sunsets
sunblock
sunsets
sunglasses
sunsets
sunshine
and oh yeah
sunsets!

I seriously lost 50 IQ points and constantly said the wrong words or no words came out at all. This proved to be great for the laughter we were consequently surrounded by. Luckily, I don't mind laughing at myself, and to be fair, Mandee was a little stupid too.

We almost made it through the movie "Across the Universe" but lack of drugs prevented us from finishing it. It got way psychedelic and we both fell asleep. So much for late night party girls! We did go to bed past midnight every night(Utah time)!!!

Day 4

It rained.

It was a fabulous day! In the morning, we hung out with Mike, the golf coach from Auburn University and he educated us on the finer points of the south, including how the south should have won the war and how parents should smack their children. He has been happily married for 28 years and thankfully, doesn't have any children to smack. His hands were full with the boys on his golf team. We enjoyed him immensely. He was an authentic southerner.

We had massages and mine was blissful. I actually learned alot during it. I love when that happens with the Spirit. Touch is a beautiful thing and we all need it.
We then had manicures and pedicures and went shopping. I found some great dancing shoes. Now I just needed to go dancing!

I literally had no problems the entire time I was there. What was so bizarre was how quickly my conversation turned to things that didn't matter, like how my hair looked, or whether my nail polish smudged. Typically, I have neither time nor inclination to care about that but with no other worries, I became quite superficial. It was interesting but I couldn't live that way long term, not enough depth but it sure was relaxing to let go of the serious stuff that makes up my ordinary life. I guess I took a vacation from my brain!

Day 5

It rained men.

This was the day when all the men came out to play. We met Jason and Chair and Aka and a surf instructor and guys from the luau.

Having discovered that younger men will actually occassionally be interested in older women, I was very careful about what I said and navigated my way through the experience quite nicely. After "Chair" followed us back to our hotel and asked for phone numbers, I jumped on the elevator and hid, leaving Mandee to handle him, which she did quite well. She teased me mercilessly about bailing on her though.

Jason, a 25 year old ex-soldier, was full of booze and philosophy. He actually said some wise things though I am not convinced he believed or remembered them the next day. He had 13 screws and 7 plates in his hip from a motorcycle accident. He was an interesting character.

I finished my second novel for the week. It was about friendship and I felt irriated briefly with Mandee for causing me to love her so much because when one of us dies, the other one is going to have major problems. I cheered up when I remembered how much older I am then her and that I will most likely die first so she will have to miss me!

The luau was fun! Hawaiians are very touchy feely people and we are from Utah so the letting strange men kiss our cheeks thing was a little uncomfotable for us. We laughed our way through it though and had a blast! The best part was watching the national guardsmen learn the hulu on stage. It was very entertaining! We met "chair" there who let us lean our backs on him during the luau, which caused problems that were solved in a prior paragraph. He was maybe 22 years old so it seemed perfectly safe. Another lesson learned. Sometimes I can be too friendly on accident!

Thankfully, this was the only day it rained men.

Day 6

We rented a convertible and blared music and sang at the top of our lungs around the island while taking pictures and stopping everywhere we could. It was exhilirating to be in that beautiful place absorbing it all. Very little is better than singing and admiring beauty at the same time. I was in heaven. Singing opens my heart in a way that nothing else does. I love to write but it is the singing that frees my soul and allows me to soar. It makes the feelings that are overwhelming my heart break free and they become manageable and subdued.

We stopped at the Laie Temple for a while. It was absolutely breathtaking and so peaceful. It was definitely the most peaceful place on the island. The Lord's grace and love was palatable there.

We went to the North Shore, saw Pipeline and watched a bodyboarding competition that was really cool. Graham asked us to go to take pictures at Log Cabins so we trudged through deep, sinking sand, for what seemed like miles, and finally found a Hawaiian guy who knew what we were talking about. He laughed and laughed that we were looking for "log cabins" because apparently, it is a surf spot in the WATER! Graham used to surf there alot when he lived there. It would have been nice to know THAT before we got there!! I got some good pictures of the WATER for him. And it was a good workout so there were benefits, especially because we only went to the gym once during our whol vacation.

We went the Dole Pineapple plantation and I ate chocolate covered pineapple. It was decadent. We watched a brillant sunset on the Northwest corner of the island. I never tired of the sunset. Every one was so unique and glorious.

While trying to return our car to the rental place, which appeared to have been moved during the day, we circled around a few times. At one point, when Mandee took the map out of my hands for the umteenth time-

Note to whoever may go on vacation with me in the future: don't rely on me for significant navigation or driving, I am really just good at being a passenger! I can sing and dance but am a little spatially challenged. I do, however, promise to make you laugh while you are driving!

-anyways, she was driving down the road and reading the map at the same time and I saw two tourists stepping into the street and the car in front of us stopped. Mandee couldn't see this because she was reading the map so I cried out, "Dead People, Dead People". Amazingly, she understood what I meant and put the brakes on and everyone lived. Then she said, "Stop would have worked better" We laughed hysterically. I have no idea why I said that except that I was afraid we were going to kill them but what an odd thing to say to get someone to stop a moving vehicle. We are still laughing about it today. If you ever hear me yell out "dead people" it is more likely that you need to stop than that I am seeing ghosts!

We tried to go dancing at Senor Frog's but changed our minds and I sat on the beach and wrote some music for the first time since December. It was a gift to have that part of my heart unlocked again.

Day 7

Last day in paradise.

We spent too much time on the beach and Mandee burned half of her and I burned half of me. A lesson learned on vanity. I laid with my tummy exposed for the first time in a REALLY long time and got really burned. If I would've left my bathing suit alone and not tucked it up, I would have been just fine, but no, I was vain and well...I paid for it! Actually , I am still paying for it 4 days later!

We had another massage and the massage woman thought I was Italian because I was so tan. That was the first time this Irish girl had ever been mistaken for Italian. I got a huge kick out of that!

We ate pineapple...again!

We danced together in the billabong store when a great song came on. I think it was Clumsy by Fergie.

Here is my henna tattoo story:

We walked by the street venders and I said to Mandee, "Who would get a neck massage in front of all these people?" Famous last words. So after shopping for Becca for a while, we decide to get henna tattoos. We each got a dragonfly on our ankle. They are pretty cool. I decide, very impulsively, to get a design on my lower back. I picked one out and then turned backwards in the chair and, hello, had to lift up my shirt and tuck things everywhere and he proceeded to draw it. Keep in mind, people are strolling and staring up and down the boulevard. I won't be able to see the tattoo because it is on my back and frankly, no one else will see it either...so there really wasn't a point to it at all. The main problem was, though, that I didn't consider how to get back to the hotel with a wet henna tattoo on my back. I had to walk around the street like that because it was our last night and I wasn't done shopping for my kids. I looked like a complete weirdo with my sweatshirt pulled down over my tummy in the front and hiked up to my bra in the back. I don't normally show the small of my back to anyone, let alone to the entire tourist population of Waikiki. It was a lesson in humility and also in thinking things through. I laughed so hard and so did Mandee, who had the intelligence to get her other one on her hand, although she had a hard time packing because of it. At least she was fully clothed while we finished shopping!

Day 8

Woke at 4 a.m. to go to airport where we waited for 2 hours for our flight.
We accidentally discussed the benefits of politicians using LSD with a fellow traveler. I think it had something to do with "Across the Universe."

I cried when we landed. Re-entry was painful. Loads of homework and laundry and responsibilities. How grateful I am to my six beautiful children who make it all worth it!

I can't wait for next February when I get to go back to Waikiki and envelop myself in the sun and sand and beauty again.

The absolute best part of this vacation was being with Mandee and all the laughter. We laughed hard every day over many different things that probably seem stupid when you weren't there. It is a special friendship, one that I will treasure for eternity.
Thanks Mandee Joe! You know how much I love you.

Don't cry for me

Don’t cry for me
when I am gone
Don’t cry for me
I’m where I belong
Don’t cry for me
the dawn is breaking
Don’t cry for me
my body stopped aching
Let me go
the time is nigh
kiss me softly
and say goodbye
I am happy
and joy filled
I am home
amd we are sealed
our separation is brief
our unity real
my embrace
you will again feel
I will be waiting
when you time comes
My arms outstretched
into them you’ll run
The only hard part
for me in all this
is knowing of your sadness
and all that I’ll miss
so please my love
don’t cry too long
please let me go
though it feels wrong
I want you to be happy
and to savor life’s ride
I want you to feel joy
without me by your side
I want you to move on
and show the world now
You can walk through the grief
because the Savior knows how
I will adore you
past the end of time
My love you will remain
you will always be mine

Hope

Grieved
perplexed
unsure
Hope
needed
unseen
desired
longed for
prayed more
received
into me
and
my grateful heart
another
precious gift
from
My
Savior!

Who are you?

I am weak
and I stumble
and mumble
truth as I am discovering it
I am not like you
I am fallen
and I trip
and flip out sometimes
I am the prodigal son
I sin
and descend
into predicaments
that are hard to extricate myself from
I don't sing hymns
every time I am tempted
sometimes I swear instead
I am me
and utterly imperfect
and so very real
it hurts my eyes to look into the mirror
at times
I am both
full of virtue
and awash in vice
I am both
loving
and filled with anger
in brief explosive moments of time
I am both
optimistic in the Lord
and vulnerable too
I am both
incredibly strong
and full of emotion
I can be stoic
yet I cry long and hard
when necessary
I am both
a sensual woman
and a lady with fine manners
I am both
a dancer
and a philosopher
I am both
attracted to bright light
and lulled into security by the dark
I am not "Molly Mormon"
I don't even know where she lives
and when I grow up
I don't want to be like her
I want to be me
I know I need the Savior
I will wash His feet
with my hair and tears
of joy
He has saved me
all of me
and allowed me to retain
myself
through the process
and I am so happy
with both
my moods and laughter
I am
authentic
Who are you?

Family Bed

After scriptures and prayers are said
we all climb into our family bed
three children face up, three crawl down
one occasionally sleeps on the ground
I lay with the baby, she'll be three in May
she wraps her arms around me and we fall asleep that way
The covers get tangled in the children's feet
They turn themselves sideways, their heads meet
They look so innocent, beauty in their faces
but it is hard to sleep among the mazes
of arms and legs and tender toes
They poke each other and cry their woes
Sometimes I creep in the middle of the night
and escape to the couch, it feels so right
I can stretch out my legs and no one jabs me
I can relax at last, I feel strangely free
But then guess what happens to me?
I wake a little later only to see
that not one, or two but three followed me
and are wrapped around the couch like cats
in strange positions, it must hurt like that
And so I smile and breathe a sigh
It was nice for an hour but now I will try
to hug them and hold them for they aren't little too long
to touch their faces and sing them a song
The family bed doesn't always work
but my children are close and that I won't shirk
Nothing feels better, there is no greater joy
than being a mother of four girls and two boys
I wouldn't have it any other way
though sleeping well tempts me some days
I am happiest when they are right beside
They feel safe and fitfully, but happily, we abide!

Monterey

Snowflake
turning
dancing
softly
to the ground
twirling
falling
quietly
without a sound
standing
reaching
on your tiptoes
opening
tasting
with tongue and nose
innocent
unique
each flake
created different
Monterey
like the snowflake
you dance
and are heaven sent
keep twirling
to the tune
inside your heart
Be all you were meant!

Ode To My Closet Floor

To My Mandee-who REALLY understands closet floors!

I won't miss you
as much as I thought
I don't need you
like I thought
I am surprisingly capable
on my own
though we have grown
quite attached to each other
you have comforted me
much like a mother
But...
I won't miss
my tear stained face
the rough way you held me
as we tried to embrace
I may regret
how much I laid with you
I should have found
something else to do
you may wonder
what kind of friend
would I have happily kept
and now want to end?
It was great for the time
we were together
but I can't hold on
to this forever
My face has been etched
on the floor of my closet
My tears have all been dried
I stood up and shook myself off
my grief has finally died
Too much beauty
Too much joy
Too much love
for me to toy
with my closet floor
I don't need to cry there anymore
So thank you, my friend
I am finally closing the door
I appreciate all that you tried to do
But I have moved on
and no longer need you!

Still Standing

I stood
naked
vulnerable
in front of you
for years
and pleaded
You
averted your eyes
and looked away
does it matter where?
I stood
yesterday
dressed
strong
moving
on
my heart
encapsulated
insulated
and protected
from years of practice
no longer a novice
at guarding my soul
I rebel
against the status quo
I fight
against what I know
I failed
at being someone
you could see
You looked everywhere
but at me
And
now
it's
over
Yet
I stand
again
naked
vulnerable
and strong
and
I am
where I belong
I can see
me
finally hear my song
God can see me
and I am free!

His Hand

I love
I ache
I mistake
I repent
I resolve
I dissolve
I fall down
I rise again
I fall down
I rise again
I fall down
I rise again
And His hand is reached out still.

Standing Alone

The tree standing alone
is beautiful and strong
He grew that way
over the years long
The tree standing alone
has purpose and vision
His branches raised tall
fulfilling his mission
The tree standing alone
His base is solid and sure
There is wisdom in standing alone
It's his way to stay pure
But I weep for the tree
and my heart moans
I weep for the belief
that he must stand alone
Certainly, God in His glory
created the desire
for trees to stand together
and weather the fire
of this life together
surely they, like us
attach forever
God bless that tree
and hold him in your care
until he is not alone
and finally able to share...