Truths

Thoughts are swimming so quickly around in my head, I am struggling to capture them, and pin them down. They are alluding me, playing hide and go seek. I am at a disadvantage but I still delight in the game. I have discovered some awful truths about myself and I have been liberated! I rescue. I love. I let people off the hook so that they will still love me after they screw up. Some of them do it right back for me so that is a nice, but twisted payoff. I discovered this from studying the books from the Arbinger Institute and pondering the boxes I carry around. It has not been a graceful experience. Tragically, the ones I love the most, I have let down the most. For example, I tend to take all of the responsibility in a situation and spare the other person from owning their part. This works great in situations where someone doesn't want to admit fault and then we each go on our merry way. Me, feeling happy, that I have sacrificed and protected and seemingly have done the right thing. And he, feeling unburdened and off the hook; no guilt, no apology, no accountability. This week the Lord revealed that is not loving on my part. I am robbing he whom I claim to love. This shattered my self-perception but regardless, it is true. I can no longer take responsibility for what he does, only what I do. That means that if you are in a relationship with me, you are going to be held accountable and I can't take the fall for you anymore. And it means that if you have been in situations with me and I lied to protect you; that was wrong and needs to be righted by you. I only say this because I love you. And that is the truth. I am not noble, it turns out, just afraid to lose your love. But no longer. I am a woman and not a girl anymore. The truth has always kind of spilled out of me, sometimes like a melting ice cream cone all over my dress. It isn't always pretty nor am I. But if you touch me, I am real and unbreakable, in a way. I think you are too, underneath the veneer you wear as a shield. Unraveled, you are more beautiful than words. Isn't God grand? Look at what He has made. He made you. I revel in His creation. We are each beautiful enough to speak the truth and be loved, every one of us, whether we believe it or not. I believe it. Glory to God for showing me the truth, line upon line and for letting me see the beauty in you.