Changing Me

I have experienced the beginnings of a change of heart. Those who know me well know it was desperately needed. Bonds that Make Us Free and The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self-Deception were all tools that helped Heavenly Father teach me. It is amazing to me how carefully He crafts the lessons I need to learn. I am nowhere close to where I need to be, but the Lord is leading me along and I feel grateful to be learning. Sometimes I feel a little slow that it has taken me so long to figure stuff out!

The main thing I have been learning is how different everyone else behaves when I change and how much power(in a good way) I have to bless my family based on my perspective. Sometimes I feel scared and sad and get caught up in the negativity of a situation. And sometimes, I want so badly to do the right things, that I beat myself up for small infractions when I am actually doing well and making progress.

I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who blesses me with strength beyond my abilities on a daily basis. I am amazed actually that I am still sane with 5 kids at home, Delainey at my Dad's, Graham in Afghanistan, being a full time student and doing the Charter School thing. This at times has felt overwhelming. Due to those fabulous books and the Spirit, I have realized that I need to live in the moment and that has allowed me to slow down in the moment and realize that in the moment, I am not rushed. Time stops in the moment because I am only there. I am not at the last place I was or the place that I soon need to be. I am only where I am. It is miraculous to have the same exact time restrictions but feel so much more peace.

I have been cooking with much greater frequency and finding greater joy in serving my children in that capacity. This morning when I was baking banana bread and making eggs and toast, there was about 20 minutes where I just felt calm. It is wonderful to be doing what I am supposed to be doing and feeling the feelings of those moments. Often, it happens when I am with my kids; sometimes I am in a board meeting or talking with a teacher; sometimes I am sitting and visiting with a neighbor, and always when I write, I get into this groove where what I am supposed to be doing is in sync with what I am doing and there is this connection that is so powerful. I love that it is completely unique for each of us and that we are dependent on the Spirit to know when and with whom those moments are supposed to take place. I love the gospel and my Savior. He is who I have to lean on when all my friends have gone away. Sometimes, I want human contact and I resist seeking His comfort. I am blessed to have many friends who love me but it is a blessing when no one else is there. I seek Him and He is there and I grow and become better. I have to admit that this week found me in tears many times. I didn't exactly love that He wanted me to seek Him and that I kept getting strengthened. Sometimes, I just want to curl up and be held. But, that is not why I am here. I am not here to be pampered. I am here to learn. And I am learning, tripping over myself as I go, but I am so happy for the angels and my Savior who buoy me up in the dark when I feel alone.