Kaleidoscope

I don't know how
To dance with darkness
untangle myself
And fight my way
Back to the surface
I stumble
Trip ungracefully
Land in a puddle
That becomes a pool
And then a sea
gives birth
To an ocean
vast and unending
It swallows me whole
tightness hugs my chest
Gently
At first
As I softly
Imperceptibly
descend farther
Deeper
So much deeper
Than I ever intended
To go
Air extinguished
Panic sets in
I thrash about
Desperately
Searching
Reaching
for the surface
The sun
Where safety lives
But I am too far gone
Hopelessly lost
Lungs fill
With the putrid water
Whose first sip
Was my balm
Confused
I sink
Slowly
Down
Down
Down
The burning crawls
And seeps
Into my every crevice
black overtakes me
My body limp
Head clearer
Seeing past the darkness
Clarity illuminates
The web of deception
I carefully wove
The end is blissfully near
I lean into it
Lungs exploding
Light crashing behind my eyes
Bursts of color
Mixed with white
Bright beyond compare
Oh look
I think to myself
A kaleidoscope....

Fragile Independence

I
am
alone
body racked
heart cracked
by blind choice
I don't like to need
and bleed
at the same time
especially not in relation
to people
I feel stripped naked
Regardless
but the pain
that seeps thru
my skin
seems easier to bare
without eyes upon
my wounds
I huddle
surrounding my soul
with a fierce layer
of protective pride
that keeps out
what I need
and what I desire
but am afraid
to touch
In case
I am
too broken
to receive it
and I shatter
upon contact
I'd rather be alone
and clothed in my pain
than naked
In front of you
and so I am...

Settling into Truth

Settling into my truth
Regardless of what he needs
Or what we can bring to the table
His soul; my soul, it feeds
I wish to be needed by him
But whether allowed or not
He is spectacular to me
Life lessons, I have been taught
And I can't change how I feel
No matter how I soothe
But I can be transformed
And embrace the vulnerable truth
It's easier to hold,
Fluid in my hands
Than rationalizations gone awry
that I couldn't understand
I can never be good enough,
To repay him for all he's done
He'll either be mine or he won’t
Yet in this middle, shines the sun
And I'm not going away
Or refusing a smaller part
If that is what I'm blessed with
I'll keep him in my heart
And nothing's wrong with me
And nothing's wrong with him
Merely because we stopped
Just short
Of what might have been
Ain't got nothing but time
To see what happens to grow
Friendship, soulmate, lover- for-a-time
Only God really knows
On this path I'm taking
What I know and what I feel
He and I will always
Make connections that heal
So somewhere in between
My love and my friend
Lies this man I know
Our story never ends....

Unparalleled

His name reverberates
Off the walls inside my heart
Battered and slowly bleeding
Pieces torn apart
You can only see it
If you peer deep inside
On my pretty face
I wear the smile that hides
Clinging to yesterday
Or what may someday be
I tremble, hidden inside
In a place unknown to me
Flirting with ideas
Contrary to my soul
A thousand fragmented parts
Search recklessly for their whole
Disintegrating cyclically
Full of hope and then despair
I run through nightly dreams
But still he is not there
And the door slams shut
And the lights turn on
I begin to perform the dance
And sing again the song
But my heart, it beats in time
For the one who went away
Whose soul is linked to mine
In unparalleled ways…

Hidden

I don't desire
For my shoes
To be swept off
Your porch
And tucked safely
Inside
Where peering eyes
Have no view
I don't desire
To be
Hidden away
As you mull over
My strengths
And weaknesses
And try to conclude
If I am a worthy risk
I don't desire
To be judged
And criticized
Because you are
Always right
And I am not
Afraid to admit
When I am wrong
I don't desire
To be a maybe
Or a let's wait and see
I am a YES
A declarative statement
To be made with enthusiasm
And pride…
You don't have to know that
But I certainly do…

Extraordinary

Words
Can’t explain this
Couldn’t create
Or erase this
God did this
I don’t yet speak His language
But I know it invokes a spirit to spirit
Communication
And I recognize
that it is happening
Right here
Between two imperfect mortals;
Stripped and bare
It defies my limited vocabulary
And my finite brain
But I sense it
And more will follow...

Loren's Lullaby

I love you my baby
I love you my friend
love you past always
it never will end
You are my sweetest, dearest friend
and from now til forever
my hope I will send
And in the darkest hours
before the dawn breaks
And in the misty mornings
when you're poor heart aches
you are never alone
you are never alone
though the way may be shrouded
and your soul, it may groan
I promise you true
you are never alone...

The Bird

If you are a bird
Then you can fly
Above the clouds
Across the sky
You can fly home
Where you long to be
Or you can turn around
And be set free
Sometimes facing forward
Is harder than looking back
Though the past is full of pain
And it stops you in your tracks
The pain can be comforting
The familiar ache, a balm
It can’t become any worse
In the darkness, there is calm
The terror in the night
That you try to push away
The twisted belief in your weakness
You are too scared to say
Maybe she was right
For doing what she did
Maybe you created this
Behind this truth you’ve hid
But maybe she was hurting
And needed something more
And maybe when she first cried out
You somehow shut the door
And into the mirror
As you sometimes stare
You see a face of failure
Someone beyond repair
Oh-the lies you tell yourself
That keep you in your pain
It breaks my heart to watch
Only sadness can remain
So what if you are broken
And have quirks and problems galore?
So what if you need time alone
To process, to unwind, to endure?
So what if you notice every single thing
In a movie or in a song?
What an amazing gift you’ve been given
Accept it and move along
For as you stand right here
In pieces and full of pain
You are unique and beautiful
No one is quite the same
You came to fulfill your destiny
To create, to sing, to see
In every waking moment
Embrace who you are to be
God gave me a gift last summer
He opened my eyes to you
I’ve never seen with such clarity
The soul that I see in you
So if you ever wonder
And when you begin to fall
Ask me to remind you
For I love you all in all
You'll do this on your own
You need to go inside and deep
But there will be a time
When in peace, you’ll sleep
And I will stand there crying
Grateful for the day
When your hurt and pain departs
And you fly away…

All I See

I am not afraid
of your darkness
it is beautiful to me
I am not afraid
of your sorrow
there is more that I can see
I am not afraid
of your tortured soul
I thank God you can feel
I am not afraid
of your putrid pain
your triumph will be real
I can see you
ready to take flight
and become the precious man
you are in God' s sight
I can see you
flying high in the air
soaring far above
all that's trapped you here
I can see you
more beauty to give
the world will be better,
blessed, because you live
I can see you
what a gift you are to me
I delight in your soul
and all that I see...

Thank you and I love you...

For My Forever Friend

I followed you into my soul
and found what I was searching for
myself
I will be
eternally
grateful for your hand
and though
the path has been rocky
it was necessary
for me
to know
that no matter who loves
and no matter who leaves
I can stand alone
imperfectly
and be at peace
I needed this experience with you
to comprehend that
in the very core of my being
I have experienced an awakening,
a miracle.
I am full,
content
in need of nothing...
no one
and nothing
outside of me
needs to be
controlled
rearranged
or feared
I am free...

Meet Me

To My Forever Friend

Close your eyes
Drift away
Imagine our place
Far away
With rolling hill
Tree and pond
A field of oats
Just beyond
Relax and let
your pain slide
Release your stress
on the tire swing glide
Turn your face
Beautiful one
Towards the light
Towards the sun
Let it soak in
Let it renew
Let it become
Infused in you
Turn and look
Soar high above
Besides you flies
Me...your love
For a moment
For a season
Despite the distance
And the reason
We are here
Face to face
Wrapped up together
Safe in this place...

Unhaunted

I want to wait
On the edge of sleep
And join you when
Your slumber's deep
Haunt your dreams
So bittersweet
so when you wake up
You ache to keep
The touch you felt
Upon your face
The smell of me
A lingering embrace
You fold yourself
Inside again
Close your eyes
Recapture what's been
And try so hard
With all your might
To slide back into
The world of night
Where you and I
Are together at last
Not in the future
Or in the past
But for a brief moment
Time stands still
And we make love
And have our fill
But when you lay
Your body to sleep
You don't allow
Any dream to creep
Into your heart or
Into your mind
So though I search
I never find
And while I want
To haunt you now
You refuse
And won't allow
Dreams are wasted
My Love, on you
You miss all
That I could do
But that is true
In the light of day
So perhaps I am
Better off this way...

THE END

I keep saying
You left
And that you are gone
But the reality is
You either weren’t ever here
Or you are still as present
As you ever were
Either way
I am the one that moved
And can’t open my heart up
Past friendship
Its easier to have you reject me
In my mind
Than to admit
That you were right
From the beginning
Because then
I cry…
And want it desperately
To be different
I wanted the end
To be you and me
Making music together
In Heaven
(Literal and figurative)
I am that much of an idealist
That much of a dreamer
I can’t turn the page
Without acknowledging
That you don’t love me
Otherwise
I would cling
To any speck of hope
For my lifetime
And love you past all reason
God-this hurts
To see you, know you, love you
And still have to let you go
I hate premature endings

Imprinted

You
Left
An imprint
Inside my soul
That will last
Past
My life
And its strife
You
Left
A gift
Within my mind
That gives
To me all the time
You
Left
Words ringing
In my ears
Truth that I still hear
You
Left
And
Yet
You are right here
Nestled among the treasures
of my heart
Memories
Both of what was
And what could have been
My dear friend
You
Left
And
I am safe
And at peace
And I will never
Cease
In knowing
Part of why I am okay that
You
Left
Is because of what you gave me
While you were here…

Ode to Denial

At some point
Usually at the bitter, bitter end
Long past the patience
Of my friends, parents
And neighbors
I open to the idea
That perhaps
He wasn’t the one after all.
This was somewhat cute
When I was 7 and the boy
Was Dean Lewis;
Tolerable when I was 16
And heartbroken
Over Shane McMaster
Less so at 40
When the man
Knew months before I did
No future=no future.
I tried altering reality;
Twisting it into wishful thinking
And other various contortions
But it didn’t fit
Some contortions took me and made me different
And some changed him
In my mind, at least
After a terribly long headache
From hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall
This intelligent woman
Saw the light
(Shhh. I know, I know, it was there all along)
And stopped the pain
Self inflicted
As usual
Can’t quite wrap my brain around
How love can be so powerful
But still isn’t quite strong enough
To change reality
Hoping today
That God reigns over me
And tucks me away long enough
To get my bearings
Before I try to change
Me, him or Him again
And write another fictitious happy ending…

Creative Problem Solver

If the pieces of a puzzle don’t fit
Most people give up on the puzzle
Not me
I recut,
I reshape,
I recreate,
The puzzle
Until the pieces are no longer familiar
But they fit together nicely
In my head when it’s complete...

Re-inflicted

Remember when
Replay the dance
Rewind the pain
Rescind the chance
Refocus the energy
Redo the scene
Regret the situation
Relive the dream
Released, at last
Repented my part
Reclaimed the truth
Repaired my heart

Can I fall asleep beside you
Wrapped inside your arms?
Can I listen to your breathing
as it soothes me like a charm?
Can I sit facing you
With your blue eyes piercing mine?
Can I swim into that ocean
Where everything is fine?
Can I hear your voice whisper
Babe Go Back to Bed?
Can I feel your hand move mine
Where it desires me to tread?
Can I stop the world a moment
And suspend time with you here?
Can I love you for eternity
and see you without tears?

Hope has died
Buried alive
Under dirt
And rock
And debris
No turning back
No what may come
No future of possibility
Bared jagged soul
Laid opened wide
In pieces
On my floor
Bleeding
Writhing
Horrid pain
No knock upon my door
Left alone
Grief to bear
Reality to face
Bruised heart
Time can't heal
the memories I trace
Beauty marred
Perspective false
Air that I can't breathe
Story unfolded
I couldn't rewrite
The end where you leave

Beautiful Ghost

You look right through me
And still see her face
You walk right past me
in another dimension of space
Beautiful Ghost
My Beautiful Ghost
You move in and out and over
never quite real to the touch
always just out of reach
though I love you so much
You'll never move forward
while you're turning away
trapped within her memory
nowhere home to stay
My love is not enough
to bring you into this realm
you have to want to let her go
and be born of this earth again
Beautiful Ghost
My Beautiful Ghost
Half dead and tripping
Beautiful Ghost
Half alive and slipping
Beautiful Ghost
I can't rescue you
Beautiful Ghost
She's killing me too
Goodbye then to my ghost
how I loved your haunted song
But its time to let you go
Back where you belong...

Replaceable

Nameless
Faceless
girl with long hair
Touch her
Kiss her
Revel inside there
Drink her up
Drink her in
Finally come up for air
Charming smile
Cold Heart
Pretend that you care
Choking on truth
Swallow it down
lies she will bare
Tangled within
Stubborn without
Find another for your lair...

He and Me

I will not have
a life unlived
on the edge of fear
the sweet small voice
within my jaded heart
I still hear
He writes a perfect melody
waiting on me for the harmony
I turn
I move
I start
I struggle to let go
lest I fall apart
but God’s alive and inside me grows
He pushes me to soar for He knows
the music buried alive mustn’t die
I am no longer able to live my lie
with gentle hands, He reaches out
upon my tongue, He rolls about
together infused, we birth a song
He hums the tune, I sing along
and beauty small and heaven sent
through the terror and mire he rents
and from bud to glorious flower
we create hour after hour
Dusk sneaks up behind me now
day has past, upon my vow
I committed, laid open wide
my heart to Him of the eternal tide
And with Him I will create and guide
and fear not, for He walks beside
Never will I be alone
in complete safety, I will roam
and live
and breathe
each moment still
in rapture
in sunlight
upon each hill
every day unlike the past
each experience I will grasp
and learn
and move
in separate time
and pen the dance
and dance the rhyme….

I still believe...

I still believe in love
though it has been a while
since I have seen it
I still believe in the Lord
though he whispers softly
and sometimes I turn away
I still believe in angels
though they are at times
hard to see
I still believe in possibilities
unlimited and enduring
I still believe in people
though they turn from me
and judge
sometimes erroneously
I still believe in seeing
the spirit of the person
standing in front of me
though it can have painful
ramifications
I still believe
and thank the Lord
my spirit has been preserved
I desire to remain
pure in my ability to see you
though it is tempting
to rely only on the temporal
and walk away in disgust

Subjective Reality

Where are you really?
Be alone
Be with others
Be wherever you need to be
Be without me
But please
Be real
Be honest
Be true
at least to yourself...

Business at Hand

• Century
• Timing
• Target

Could you elaborate or am I left to decipher their meanings?
You speak in bullet points like a power point presentation
written in a colorless, foreign script.

Here’s my attempt at defining:

• Century-we are in the wrong one
• Timing-is off
• Target-change it and deal with the life you have

Am I close?

Inside my Soul

There you are...
I have searched for you
for years
and there you sit
just inside my soul
neither time
nor space
is present here
in this sacred place
here, you are safe
blinders off us both
clarity crystallizes truth
that creates color and definition
that defies description
I see you
awash in glory
as you are meant to be
as you are
how you radiate
light, love and beauty
there you are
I have for so long been looking for you
and here you are
sitting gently
inside my soul
welcome home…

Our gods

You scoff at my faith
watch me as I fail
to hold onto to my Savior
as I suffer on this trail
You think me the fool
for letting things go
and trusting my heart
to what I don't know
You think I can succeed
if I steer my own ship
If I hold tight to the wheel
I can prevent any slip
You think victory comes
through your own mortal hands
that failure is avoidable
and you don’t understand
Faith seems stupid
something for the weak
that I am somehow failing
when I turn the other cheek
I wonder how you know
all the truth you do profess
when you have a god too
from whom you seek redress
Your god lies in the bottle
he numbs your heart, your woes
you pour out all your troubles
you tell him of your foes
you pray to him with vengeance
you pray to him for peace
you drink him in with passion
that in itself won’t cease
He choses many times
what you do and say
you are often at his beck and call
his hands you cannot stay
He lords over you
and torments your precious soul
you think time and time again
you just need a goal
and you can control
what he does to you
and you aren’t bound
but is that really true?
We all have gods
of different kinds, my friend
I’ll take the one who died for me
you take the one who can't mend
I’ll take the one who loves me
who wants me to be free
you take the one who robs you blind
and steals your intregity
I prayed to your god before
and drowned within his love
I’d rather kneel in abject pain
and seek my God above
I don’t wish you any harm
or claim to know it all
but don’t tell me you don’t pray
to the god called alcohol…

Pretty Girl

Pretty girl
won't you dance,
dance alone for me?
Pretty girl
won't you come,
come and be with me?
Pretty girl
won't you hide,
hide your sorrow inside?
Pretty girl
won't you stand,
stand silent beside?
Pretty girl
wont you scream,
scream silently?
Pretty girl
won't you die,
die quietly?

Restored

I do not run
or hide
from pain
anymore
sometimes I lay with it too long
it seduces me and we create
unnecessary misery
but I don’t drown
in a bottle,
or hide in the body of another
There is no escape
from reality
for me
Thank God
from that
I have been freed...
Unshackled
I have the opportunity
at least
to see the truth.

Look with Love...

Be careful
then
I implore you
when you judge
you know not
what ghosts
your neighbor
has lurking in the corners
of his mind
what he is bound to
what he is afraid of
what he cannot seem to triumph over
We all have them
you know
ghosts packed so thickly around us
it is a wonder we can see each other at all
Perhaps we cannot…

Sharing Center Stage

I bare
more than most
Emotions
rush through me
insisting on their turn
to take center stage
by storm
and announce
their presence
They fight
over whose turn it is
like small siblings
vying for my attention
I sometimes play
favorites
and allow
FEAR
to be my pet
She is naughty
and requires
constant attention
at times
but COMPASSION,
GENTLENESS
and LOVE
are here in larger force
when combined
Bursts of ANGER
can come out of nowhere
and pummel them to the ground
They cower in the corner
protected briefly by PASSION
waiting to be rescued
by FAITH
who
always
inevitably arrives
and saves us all…

Out of my head...

I have more questions
than answers
and I tire of living
in my head
where my thoughts
race around
like crying toddlers
superglued to my feeble knees
and beg me
for a reprieve
and I can’t solace
or comfort them
anymore
yet they continue to cry
wearing
wearing me
wearing me down
I am out
of platitudes
that roll
glibly off my tongue
to create plastic peace
I am empty
of solutions
Only God
knows my future
Only God
knows my heart
Only God
hears my cries
made on those same weak knees
on my bathroom floor
Why then
do I ever turn
to anything but
Him for answers?

Life from my womb

My body; it is precious
more than a machine
It has co-created life
that will live, love and dream

the after effects are many
the cost was sometimes high
but beautifully arranged
and through it, I did fly

My belly bears the marks
that they grew inside me there
extra skin that sags
despite exercise and care

Stretch marks hiding down
beneath my pubic hair
and on my hips and thighs
flaws to find if I stare

But I see them as beauty
of the most sacred kind
and I will not regret
nor wish the past to rewind

My body once held more beauty
to the naked eye
to those who look without depth
over that, I used to cry

I now consider it a blessing
that my beauty lies so deep
and is tangled with my stretch marks
together peacefully, I sleep

And if you ever care to touch
and if you get to see
you can read the things I've learned
through the lines etched on my body

For what I gained and what I know
came through the map you'll trace
along the wrinkles and the scars
that transcend both time and space

I celebrate my age today
through life I have been brought
I wouldn't change my hair or skin
or the lessons that were wrought

I've paid for some mistakes
had mercy for many more
upon my back I've had burdens
that have knocked me to the floor

And I have cried a million tears
and wondered and hurt at it all
But I am still standing strong
no longer afraid to fall

I love my lived-in body
I finally see its worth
and thank God I am woman
and have participated in birth

Life has grown inside me
light inside my womb
I have housed the sacred
love in here has bloomed

And so I am now forty
and six children have been born
my body shows the signs
but I shall never mourn

The marks that are upon me
show my fragile humanity
my imperfections, strengths and gifts
combined, have created me...

Closed For Repairs

My heart is closed
closed for repairs
don't come near me
I wouldn't dare

My heart is closed
shut off from you
and the prior pain
I have been through

My heart is closed
it fades to black
color is dead
no light through the cracks

My heart is closed
and I don't trust
your sweet words
wrapped up in lust

My heart is closed
and I don't care
that you desire my body
with my skin so fair

My heart is closed
the door slammed shut
you cannot enter
to wound or cut

My heart is closed
and I feel relief
no more sorrow
no more grief

My heart is closed
and my body is too
I won't play
unless I love you

But my heart is closed
and so goodbye I say
I shed no tears
as I walk away...

Waiting...

I am waiting
to be
rejected
for my beliefs
Assuming
perhaps
erroneously
that my appeal
evaporated
with my boundaries
Still,
I am waiting
I am not pushing
or pulling
or insisting
merely
claiming my truth
and asking
then pausing
and waiting
for the whisper
that will answer me
in words
or silence
It is well
for me
to wait
I have stretched again
It is well
for me
to wait
and
I am beautifully
unencumbered
by fear
Who knew
waiting
could be
liberating?