Indulged

my sense
all but left
my body
and
my self
yet
my senses
were
heightened
taunt
ready to spring
wavering
like a field
of daisies opening
to the sun
in the heat
of the summer
every petal
dancing
to the rhythm
of you

Joy

Have you ever felt like you were standing in the exact spot you needed to be and that everything happening around you was perfectly choreographed with your happiness in mind? Have you ever had dirt up to your elbows and mud squishing up between your toes as you wrestled with your demons, knowing that you are right where you are supposed to be? That is where I am standing and I am savoring it today; rolling it around on my tongue and letting the taste linger. I don't want it to end. Even as I falter, I am at peace for I know that it is part of the lesson that I am to learn. I have a peace that is imperfect but wonderful, none-the-less. I am not untouchable or removed. I bruise, sometimes too easily. I bump into things and into people; yet I relish it. I want to live right here imperfectly and get bruised and taste the whole experience, not just the spiritual highs or understandings that make it all worth it, but the whole vivid, colorful experience; the fear and the faith, the sorrow and the joy, the hope and the despair. I love this crazy life I am living. I am ungraceful but satisfied. I am finally content with the ugliness of it all and it has become so incredibly beautiful to me in the process. Beautiful; like a child covered in chocolate pudding and laughing with it all over the floor and table. Not beautiful; like a frozen picture portraying perfect people who look good from the outside. The beauty in the dance of this life is in the messiness of it! To quote Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus, "Take Chances, Get Messy, and Make Mistakes." I have been doing that for years but now I am happy about it. I am stepping on other's toes and they are stumbling over mine as well. They hurt and I hurt but through this dance I learn to live and I realize what I have known all along; the joy is in the journey. When I embrace that, I am free.

Sacred Ground

Dedicated to the 9 American Soldiers killed in Afghanistan yesterday. May we always remember the cost of our freedom. It is not free.

Blood seeps down
slowly
absorbing
into the ground
hearts break
half way around
the world
from that dried up
thirsty ground
Tears fall down
quickly
and drench
the ground
the safe, green ground
that is all around
US
Can you hear
the cries
as they fall
deep and down
into that khaki ground?
Will you stop
and hear the sound
of freedom found?
It is quiet
but it has a price
I am so glad your life is nice
Listen if you can
you will hear
the
drip
drip
drip
of the blood of a man...

Reduction

Go on then
let it go
reduce it in your mind
to a desire
that must be killed
through distance
let me know how that feels
and how that works for you
I let it go
as well
but differently
and had the ride of my life
I smile
when I remember
and hope
when I look forward
I prefer
my approach
but I do not pretend
ever
do you?

I need you

Dedicated to my sisters on the journey who are still waiting...

Oh, my forever love
where are you?
How I want to see your face
kiss your lips
read your soul
with your hands on my hips
and lay with you forever
I need you
but not yet
I need you
but not now
I am still preparing
somehow
becoming
developing
into the person
you will love forever
though I know
if I saw you tomorrow
I would want you right then
the time is not yet at hand
I finally understand
that although I need you
I don't need you now
I need you forever
so I will wait for now
and count upon
the glory of heaven
if necessary
I can wait
you are worth every moment
of separation
every tear I have cried
missing you
desiring you
and our life together
I can picture it in my mind
and I have held your hand
a thousand times
but I need to get back to work
and live here
right here
in this day
without you
and I can do it with a smile
and
peace
and
a grateful heart.

Musings on Miracles

I am so filled with happiness and joy! I have finally been released from troubles that have appeared to be hanging over my head. The last puzzle piece fell into place and I am grasping truth that is now setting me free. I have been liberated. The Lord never lets me down.

I did something really hard yesterday, something that I didn't want to do, but I did it because I needed to be obedient. Sometime between then and now, I gained peace and understanding about the situation and about my life and the trials that have been happening over the last year or so. I don't feel trapped by myself anymore. I feel so much freedom. I am okay with not knowing the end of my story, because I know enough of the end to pacify me. I know the Savior and who He is and so I am free from earthly cares and worries. Hallelujah!

I am constantly amazed at the mercy the Lord shows me. He teaches me again and again and when I falter, He catches me and teaches me again. By doing the hard thing, I gained the blessings that I needed to understand my purpose in the situation. What a terrific trade off.

I feel a love for people today in a brand-new-explosive-take-action-kind-of-way. It suddenly didn't matter if they loved me at all, only that I love them. What a powerful experience that was for me. At last, I was not the first person on my list and instead of feeling awful and deprived, I felt joyful and overflowing with good feelings.
My life slammed into perspective and I realized that I have been horribly distracted by problems that aren't really significant. I don't really have any problems. I just need to go about my business of serving the Lord in my unique way. I need to fulfill my divine mission and keep my focus outward.

It is probably true that I have learned this lesson before and forgotten it. It is beautiful to be reminded again. And if I forget again, please remind me to reread this blog entry.

May the Lord's blessings fall upon each one of you. Thank you for your love.

Truths

Thoughts are swimming so quickly around in my head, I am struggling to capture them, and pin them down. They are alluding me, playing hide and go seek. I am at a disadvantage but I still delight in the game. I have discovered some awful truths about myself and I have been liberated! I rescue. I love. I let people off the hook so that they will still love me after they screw up. Some of them do it right back for me so that is a nice, but twisted payoff. I discovered this from studying the books from the Arbinger Institute and pondering the boxes I carry around. It has not been a graceful experience. Tragically, the ones I love the most, I have let down the most. For example, I tend to take all of the responsibility in a situation and spare the other person from owning their part. This works great in situations where someone doesn't want to admit fault and then we each go on our merry way. Me, feeling happy, that I have sacrificed and protected and seemingly have done the right thing. And he, feeling unburdened and off the hook; no guilt, no apology, no accountability. This week the Lord revealed that is not loving on my part. I am robbing he whom I claim to love. This shattered my self-perception but regardless, it is true. I can no longer take responsibility for what he does, only what I do. That means that if you are in a relationship with me, you are going to be held accountable and I can't take the fall for you anymore. And it means that if you have been in situations with me and I lied to protect you; that was wrong and needs to be righted by you. I only say this because I love you. And that is the truth. I am not noble, it turns out, just afraid to lose your love. But no longer. I am a woman and not a girl anymore. The truth has always kind of spilled out of me, sometimes like a melting ice cream cone all over my dress. It isn't always pretty nor am I. But if you touch me, I am real and unbreakable, in a way. I think you are too, underneath the veneer you wear as a shield. Unraveled, you are more beautiful than words. Isn't God grand? Look at what He has made. He made you. I revel in His creation. We are each beautiful enough to speak the truth and be loved, every one of us, whether we believe it or not. I believe it. Glory to God for showing me the truth, line upon line and for letting me see the beauty in you.

Blessings falling all around

We are being so blessed that I am feeling spoiled, like a favored daughter of God. Brandt's finger is regenerating and it already looks completely different. The bone is no longer exposed and he may have a fingernail grow back as well. That is way more than we expected given the first set of x-rays. When you look at the second set, it is hard to believe that in 8 days, a finger could change so much. How grateful I am for the priesthood and the home teachers who came on Sunday to bless our family. My foot surgery went well and although I wasn't expecting to be out of commission like I have been, everything has come together perfectly. My neighbors and board members came through, like always, and I have been able to rest a ton. I was driven to appointments and brought in meals and my kids were kept safe. I have kept my foot up and not had to do much of anything except watch movies and friends' episodes. Mandee came through like always and she held my hand while I yelled getting my shot. Me, who can go through natural childbirth, I about jumped off of the table. And I was so scared that I had to sing throughout the procedure which made my doctor smile. There is much in my life that I couldn't go through without Mandee and medical procedures seem to be near the top of the list. My kids spent the night and whole day with Michelle and I started to ponder the blessings of not having any family around to help me. There are many. The most important one seems to be that I am learning to rely on others and become interdependent with the imperfect but wonderful people around me. I sometimes hate that I am imperfect but as I ponder the love I feel for others who have crosses to bear and faults similar or different than mine, I am filled with hope. How beautiful to see, really see, another human being. And to know that Heavenly Father has that clarity with me all the time overwhelms my heart. With family around, I would not have learned to ask for help and I would not have accepted it when offered. I can see that the Lord knows me well and has designed my trials specifically with me in mind. If Graham were here, I would have had him do everything to avoid inconveniencing anyone else. I am prideful and like to be strong and stoic and alone; no wonder I have been given so many opportunities to learn to live through trials with others aiding me. I need help sometimes. The Lord provides the people to do the helping and I just have to be gracious enough to accept their love and feel the deep gratitude that comes with that humility. What a wonderful week and a half this has been!

My Love

Did you see the sky this morning, my love
Did you watch the colors bleed?
Did you think of me, my love
Did you wonder if I could see?
Did you forget where you were for a second
caught up in a memory?
Did you stop and lose your place my love
thinking of our chemistry?
Did you dream of me last night, my love
Did you picture us together?
Did your thoughts get interrupted, my love
wondering about forever?
cuz this is where I live, my love
all thoughts turn to you
this is where I live, my love
my heart belongs to you
we may be apart right now
but it cannot be for long
we may be apart for now
and have to stay strong
but this where I live, my love
all thoughts turn to you
this is where I live, my love
my heart belongs to you

Coming to Me

I have memories of dreams yet to come.
I see them
dancing before my eyes;
unfolding slowly
at first,
and then crashing
rhythmically
one on top
of the other
until
they are tangled
together
in a heap.
They pour
down,
strong
in technicolor,
and I am washed
over
and over.
I am open,
so open
to receive
them
finally.
And so they come,
finally
they come,
and we dance,
fused
together;
the blessings
and me

Nothing Changes...

Seasons follow
one another
and the leaves follow suit
we take pictures and document them
from year to year
Things change
but nothing changes
Children grow up
and emulate each other
and friends do the same
we take pictures and capture the moments
from year to year
things change
but nothing changes
Our bodies yearn
and learn and grow older
and others do that too
from year to year
things change
but nothing changes
we are still here
together
but separate
and we are still here
separate
and not together
things change
but nothing changes
My heart is still
beating
My heart is still
bleeding
things change
but nothing changes
Neither time nor space
nor lack of touch
can erase
that things change
but nothing changes…