Fall Right into You

This is the first poem that I wrote after many years of silence. I am posting it in celebration of the creativity that was ignited in me almost a year ago and to show gratitude for the gift.

You searched me and I knew you
You saw me and I saw you too
You gently loved me with your eyes
I am aching to fall right into you

I startle at the mention of your name
I begin to cry but try to restrain
You have turned me inside out
Yet I will never complain

I am joyful in the journey
Grateful for the glance
Happy for the happenstance
That was so much more than chance

I know what you can do for me
You can see me perfectly
With all heart, soul, body and breath
This bond transcends the bands of death

For I will wait if I must
I will walk on, and I will trust
For I know that I someday must
Fall right back into you

I will know you there again
You are my deepest, closest friend
God alone can see me through
All this time as I wait for you

I will wait until all earth is past
And you will be there at the last
Standing, holding, loving me
Throughout all of eternity

There we will stay for forever
There no time will tick by
I will be you, you will be me
We will exist eternally

Wrapped round and round each other’s arms
We will be protected from any harm
We will be more than we could ever be
As one, we’ll create eternally

Stats Update

Some of you may know that math is NOT my favorite subject. I barely passed the Algebra they make you take in college just so you can get into the real algebra class. I managed to skip the real algebra class altogether but I had to face statistics during the spring term. It was only six weeks long but I was dreading it in a way that only someone who shares my math phobia can understand. My teacher, Jessica, was a grad student and really awesome,except that she insisted on class participation. Imagine me, who loves to talk, stuck in a class where I know absolutely nothing, and being forced to comment. Let's just say it was humbling. Many times, I would trip over my words and get concepts mixed up with each other. My friend, Michael, whose memory is entirely intact because he is 22 and hasn't had any children yet, consistently cheered me up by making me laugh, usually because he was making fun of me! My goal for the class was a D- so I could graduate. It would tank my GPA but I had to get over that. I got a 72 on my first test and it took two and a half hours to complete it. It was then that I realized one of the many reasons I didn't care for math. It takes too long. I grow impatient and miss details. The second test was worse, three hours long and it involved prayer, swearing and tears! It was a really quiet experience because I was in the BYU testing center and only some of those activities are approved! Twice, I wanted to get up and take my F. I knew I would fail the course and have to retake it in the fall. I struggled horribly and painstakingly earned as many points as I could. I got a 70 which was ten whole points more than I thought I would get. I about did a cartwheel and announced my meager grade to my classmates with pride. I was so grateful! I knew I needed to really study to pass the final. I dedicated a lot of time to it, as much as I realistically could. I did a 3 hour study session the night before with Michael, complete with an open door in a public setting. We both got a kick out of that! I had three friends in my class; Michael, Ammon and Travis who really took great care of me and explained things over and over patiently until I started to grasp it. Travis even trained me on how to use a graphing calculator which ended up saving me time. So, guess how I did on the final?????????????I will give you a hint. I did way better than I ever expected. I got a 91% on my final which gave me a B in the class I most dreaded. I have had many A's in my college career but this is the grade that I most proud of and most grateful for. I learned so much about something that I thought was too hard for me to understand. My mind expanded and I saw the purpose of Statistics and can even explain it and work the equations. It is no less than a miracle. To all of you who are afraid to take on something new, I challenge you to take the Lord by the hand and see what He can do with you. It was an amazing ride. I am so glad I didn't jump off prematurely and miss the lessons He wanted so badly to teach me. The main one being, I can do things with Him that are impossible for me to do without Him. He surrounded me with love, laughter and help from a group of good men who had hearts of gold. It was an incredibly fulfilling experience. I can say in all honesty, I am grateful for Statistics and all that I now know. I am better for it,academically and spiritually and that is what life is all about...becoming better.

Thoughts on the Doggie Death Penalty

My son was bitten by a dog this week. I would post pictures but I don't want to look at them every time I post a poem. Suffice to say, he lost part of one of his fingers and it was a pretty traumatizing experience for him. He may have surgery on it to shave off the exposed bone or perhaps the soft tissue will grow around it and surgery won't be necessary. One doctor told me that boy's fingers are sometimes like lizards tails and they grow back! I really liked that doctor a lot! Hope is a powerful feeling. Brandt is the 2nd kid to be severely bitten so it is likely the dog will be put to sleep, or to be more blunt, killed. That idea has been really hard for me. For clarification, I did get really angry at the dog the night it happened. And I was pretty mad at some humans as well. But being angry and wanting a living thing to be dead are two very different emotions. I found out that I don't believe in the doggie death penalty but I am concerned about another child being even more injured than Brandt was. The good news in all of this is that I don't have to make the decision. The animal control people will. I feel sad, though, for the dog owner's and their grief over losing their dog. I feel sad for my son because if the dog is put down, he will likely feel some responsibility for that and be sad also. And darn it, I feel sorry for the dog, who in his limited ability, was trying to protect. He has learned to attack and will now continue to do so. He doesn't have agency like I do. He can't choose to change his ways. He will just continue to behave in the way he is currently behaving. He is stuck without hope. What a horrible way to live. How grateful I am to be able to choose in each moment how I want to treat other people. It is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. I am cherishing it this week because of a dog named Oreo. Thanks Oreo!

You are Gone

This is the first song that came to me with music attached! A giant step for this poet without any instrument training.

Searching for your face
Among the throngs of those
Who all walk right on by
Like they don’t even know (that)

Chorus:
I am here
And you are gone
I am left
to carry on
People look at me
Expect me to move on
But I am here
And you are gone

Hungering for your time
Just one more touch from you
Longing for your arms
To embrace me like they do

Chorus

Listening for your voice
In the dead of the night
Crying out your name
And wanting all to be right
Dreaming of your soul
And mine Intertwined
Waiting for the day
When you again are mine (but)

Chorus

Essentially

From the beginning
of what we know of time
in this realm
until we remember what time
actually is
and means
When our comprehension
actually matches our capacities
and we can read
The Essene
and have it permeate our perfected bodies
"Be still
Know
I am
God"
When our intelligence
and light
flow out and through us
into the depths
of all that shall be
I will still be your friend
Even then
Especially then

Changing Me

I have experienced the beginnings of a change of heart. Those who know me well know it was desperately needed. Bonds that Make Us Free and The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self-Deception were all tools that helped Heavenly Father teach me. It is amazing to me how carefully He crafts the lessons I need to learn. I am nowhere close to where I need to be, but the Lord is leading me along and I feel grateful to be learning. Sometimes I feel a little slow that it has taken me so long to figure stuff out!

The main thing I have been learning is how different everyone else behaves when I change and how much power(in a good way) I have to bless my family based on my perspective. Sometimes I feel scared and sad and get caught up in the negativity of a situation. And sometimes, I want so badly to do the right things, that I beat myself up for small infractions when I am actually doing well and making progress.

I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who blesses me with strength beyond my abilities on a daily basis. I am amazed actually that I am still sane with 5 kids at home, Delainey at my Dad's, Graham in Afghanistan, being a full time student and doing the Charter School thing. This at times has felt overwhelming. Due to those fabulous books and the Spirit, I have realized that I need to live in the moment and that has allowed me to slow down in the moment and realize that in the moment, I am not rushed. Time stops in the moment because I am only there. I am not at the last place I was or the place that I soon need to be. I am only where I am. It is miraculous to have the same exact time restrictions but feel so much more peace.

I have been cooking with much greater frequency and finding greater joy in serving my children in that capacity. This morning when I was baking banana bread and making eggs and toast, there was about 20 minutes where I just felt calm. It is wonderful to be doing what I am supposed to be doing and feeling the feelings of those moments. Often, it happens when I am with my kids; sometimes I am in a board meeting or talking with a teacher; sometimes I am sitting and visiting with a neighbor, and always when I write, I get into this groove where what I am supposed to be doing is in sync with what I am doing and there is this connection that is so powerful. I love that it is completely unique for each of us and that we are dependent on the Spirit to know when and with whom those moments are supposed to take place. I love the gospel and my Savior. He is who I have to lean on when all my friends have gone away. Sometimes, I want human contact and I resist seeking His comfort. I am blessed to have many friends who love me but it is a blessing when no one else is there. I seek Him and He is there and I grow and become better. I have to admit that this week found me in tears many times. I didn't exactly love that He wanted me to seek Him and that I kept getting strengthened. Sometimes, I just want to curl up and be held. But, that is not why I am here. I am not here to be pampered. I am here to learn. And I am learning, tripping over myself as I go, but I am so happy for the angels and my Savior who buoy me up in the dark when I feel alone.

I am a Siren...

Come on over to the edge boy
Put your hand in mine
Come on over to the edge
You know everything is fine

Walk on over to the edge love
Let me touch your face
Walk on over to the edge
There is no time and space

Chorus:
I am a siren, siren, siren
Calling out to you
I am siren, siren, siren
There’s nothing I won’t do

My boss is the devil
He works without a sound
He uses me to please him
And then you fall under and drown

When you finally touch me
You will turn to stone
When you finally reach me
I’m already gone

Chorus:
Cuz I am a siren, siren, siren,
Calling out to you
I am siren, siren, siren
There’s nothing I won’t do
To get to you

Welcome Home

Welcome to Humanity
Where everyone counts
Where every fear
And need and want
Matters as much
As mine,
at first
And then
eventually matters more
Welcome to a shift
In thinking
Where every person
Passing you on the street
Has the potential to
Become a God or goddess
Welcome to Joy
As the layers peel away
And you find yourself
Lost in the work of the Master
Welcome to Heaven
Where good works abound
And all you can ever see
Is the face of another
Who needs you
Welcome to Truth
Where the collective You
Is all that matters
And being some small part
Of the circle of love
Fills your soul
To overflowing
Welcome Home!

A Thousand Splendid Suns

I recently finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. It was such a beautifully written novel of two women who grew up in Afghanistan. I found some profound truths about myself and the world within it's pages. It is a masterful author who can take me inside the heart of a fictional character and teach me about their country without me realizing I am being taught. It reminds me of what C.S. Lewis once said about needing less Christians who wrote about Christianity and more Christians who wrote about people who were Christian. It was like a history lesson given through watching how the history of Afghanistan impacted two people's lives. It was incredibly powerful and moving. I felt many emotions when I read A Thousand Splendid Suns. I felt invested in the success of the Afghani's. I felt duty and obligation stir within me. I felt grateful to have a husband who sees humanity when he looks into the face of an Afghani. He has seen that humanity from the moment he began to study middle eastern cultures. I felt reminded that life was not all about me and my needs and what makes me happy. I realized that what I am giving up in a husband and what my children are giving up in their father is blessing the lives of those who have suffered horribly at the hands of many different militant factions. The Afghani's have suffered in ways that make me shudder, turn away, bury my head and weep. Ways that as an American woman, I will never fully understand. That I could have been so preoccupied by my own families needs, when we are so very blessed, materially, spiritually and culturally, made me cry and repent. There are times in my life when my eyes have become open to my own blindness. This way one of those times. I have brothers and sisters across the world who stand in need of a stabilizing force so that they can feel safe walking the streets. I have sisters who long to be educated and contribute and rebuild their communities and their culture. The taliban prevented that for far too long. If my small contribution to their success is supporting my husband as he goes and serves there, I will do it cheerfully, for I have been rebuked, by the Father of us all, through the hands of a writer. Our Father never forgets his children. May I stand with Him and remember all of those who stand in need and do my part. This is my prayer.

Thought on Plato's "The Cave"

Perspective is Everything!

Becoming Jane

Dedicated to Charlotte Bronte who introduced me to my hero, Jane Eyre. She is my inspiration.

Rain and wind
whipping into my face
running and stumbling
leaving without a trace

Running blindly
I cannot even see
the only direction
comes from the voice inside of me

The golden meadow is my bed
the stars comfort me
My bible holds my weary head
cold envelops me completely

Working hard to let you go
nothing honorable left to say
Grief pierces my aching heart
at the end of another day

No matter where I go
no matter what I do
I will always be haunted
by the memory of you

Looking east at the coming dawn
I remember my heart’s song
yet I weep as I work
and I wonder how long

Wanting to be Jane
and praying that I might
transform my soul
into something right

Jane whose actions
ruled her emotion
Jane who bled
silently
and showed the Lord her devotion
instead
She honored herself
when she fled
from his presence
She honored the Lord
with her very existence

I am becoming Jane
I am becoming true
I am serving the Lord
as I run from you

I am becoming Jane
if it takes me the whole of my life
There is value in doing what’s right
in the middle of terrible strife

I am becoming Jane
and it hurts like hell
to stretch my heart
and never tell

Remember Jane
loved Mr. Rochester true
She fled and suffered
just like me and you

Remember Jane
risked life and limb
to show her honor
to God and within

With her feet
she walked the path
many choose to avoid
She claimed her victory
at the very end
when she was with the Lord

She gave up her love
her life, her joy
It took an extraordinary toll
She almost died
under the weight
but she never surrendered her soul