Kaleidoscope

I don't know how
To dance with darkness
untangle myself
And fight my way
Back to the surface
I stumble
Trip ungracefully
Land in a puddle
That becomes a pool
And then a sea
gives birth
To an ocean
vast and unending
It swallows me whole
tightness hugs my chest
Gently
At first
As I softly
Imperceptibly
descend farther
Deeper
So much deeper
Than I ever intended
To go
Air extinguished
Panic sets in
I thrash about
Desperately
Searching
Reaching
for the surface
The sun
Where safety lives
But I am too far gone
Hopelessly lost
Lungs fill
With the putrid water
Whose first sip
Was my balm
Confused
I sink
Slowly
Down
Down
Down
The burning crawls
And seeps
Into my every crevice
black overtakes me
My body limp
Head clearer
Seeing past the darkness
Clarity illuminates
The web of deception
I carefully wove
The end is blissfully near
I lean into it
Lungs exploding
Light crashing behind my eyes
Bursts of color
Mixed with white
Bright beyond compare
Oh look
I think to myself
A kaleidoscope....

Fragile Independence

I
am
alone
body racked
heart cracked
by blind choice
I don't like to need
and bleed
at the same time
especially not in relation
to people
I feel stripped naked
Regardless
but the pain
that seeps thru
my skin
seems easier to bare
without eyes upon
my wounds
I huddle
surrounding my soul
with a fierce layer
of protective pride
that keeps out
what I need
and what I desire
but am afraid
to touch
In case
I am
too broken
to receive it
and I shatter
upon contact
I'd rather be alone
and clothed in my pain
than naked
In front of you
and so I am...

Settling into Truth

Settling into my truth
Regardless of what he needs
Or what we can bring to the table
His soul; my soul, it feeds
I wish to be needed by him
But whether allowed or not
He is spectacular to me
Life lessons, I have been taught
And I can't change how I feel
No matter how I soothe
But I can be transformed
And embrace the vulnerable truth
It's easier to hold,
Fluid in my hands
Than rationalizations gone awry
that I couldn't understand
I can never be good enough,
To repay him for all he's done
He'll either be mine or he won’t
Yet in this middle, shines the sun
And I'm not going away
Or refusing a smaller part
If that is what I'm blessed with
I'll keep him in my heart
And nothing's wrong with me
And nothing's wrong with him
Merely because we stopped
Just short
Of what might have been
Ain't got nothing but time
To see what happens to grow
Friendship, soulmate, lover- for-a-time
Only God really knows
On this path I'm taking
What I know and what I feel
He and I will always
Make connections that heal
So somewhere in between
My love and my friend
Lies this man I know
Our story never ends....