Long Goodbye

The words
stuck in my throat
pushed up
by an unwilling
heart
and a resistant spirit
my brain
insisted
and finally
overcame
the emotions
that held me captive
and
underneath the surface
shooting to the top
I breathe deeply
drinking in the sun
Hope bubbles up
all around me
I am surrounded
by light
buoyed up
I finally do
what I have been saying
and actually swim for shore...

Unquenchable

Strange man
Stroking hands
Run along
Her body
They move
in rhythm
on the dance floor
Fused together
only clothes separating
Their bodies
The divide between hearts is too wide
to describe
Song changes
Ooh
She likes this one…
Different man
Same hands
Run along her
Brush against
Her breasts
She laughs
Drunk and easy
to please
and to prey upon
He’s hungry
and if she’s aloof
He moves on
until he finds
the girl for the night
or for the hour
or for the song
whichever
No one matters
here
Not him
Not her
only the flesh
Cries
(And me…
I cry
watching her)
Their hearts
are numb
They only feel
with their bodies
What is real
has become illusion
and The Lie
twists around their minds
mixes with the alcohol
and becomes the truth
And they think they are free…
But they are shackled
and bound
to each other
and to no one
and they are alone
She with her shame
He with his desires
They are silent
and unquenchable
and she doesn’t know it
and he doesn’t know it
There is no “they” for them
and no “I” either
Empty; they stroke again
But they are unquenchable still…

The Cost...

Glorified whore
for how many years
did I sacrifice
My mind
My body
And the half of my soul
That was lulled to sleep
By the familiar
reality
we created
First for ourselves
And then-
God forgive us
for them…
I have
Stood up
and
Straightened
My hair
And my skirt
Shrugging off the debris
That is falling down
All around me
The price for that?
3,000 a month.
For how many years
did I stay
with my value amounting
to less than 36,000 per year?
For them
I laid down
Alternately
yelling
and silencing
My cries
Afraid to claim
The truth
And walk away
Afraid to hurt them
I realized today
A simple truth
Two wrongs
Don’t make a right
They make two wrongs…
I am liberated
And the cost
will be paid
by my children…
Sadly
They have been paying for years
No escaping this for them
Either way…
I weep
Every day
How big must God be
To atone for that kind of sin?
To comfort that kind of loneliness?
The same God
that has been comforting us all along?
It was messy before
It is messy still
Lives are touched and bruised
By my choices
My hands
are stained
My heart
is broken
How will I ever make it up to them?
I cannot atone any longer
For my original sin
It has been killing my spirit
A day at a time
For too many years
I walk away
No longer a whore
trying to be good
Just a woman
who can look at herself
in the mirror
and finally accept the only love
that matters at all
It is on His back
I am carried...
On His goodness
I am saved...
His glory
That shines upon me...
His love
That makes me whole...

Resting...

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I have been so tired for so long… but I am finally resting in His love. Liberation has come to me! Paid for by the blood of my Savior. I understand at forty what I have been upside down about all these long, lonely years. I get it! It really isn’t about me at all…only about Him. He loves me because of who He is. I can do nothing to extinguish that love and I can do nothing to earn it. He loves me absolutely. This is the good news of the gospel I have been searching for. I have been lost inside the maze of feeling unworthy of His love and consequently have not accepted love well from any other source either. I have wanted so badly to please Him and everyone else. I have done things inside out and backwards as a result. I have tried to earn that love from everyone. If I was just good enough, then…Guess what? It doesn’t work. I am so utterly imperfect. We all fall short of the glory of God; all of us. What an incredible relief to me. It is okay that I am imperfect for the first time in my life, that I sin, that I make mistakes. He has covered me with His love. I am justified through Him.

I now know that all love originates in Him. If you love me, it is a gift from Him. If I love you, it is a gift from Him as well. When I don’t love, it is about me, not the other person. When I am not loved, it is about the other person and not me.
“I was blind, but now I see.” I literally feel like blinders have been removed from my eyes and my Savior is tangible and real to me in a way that He never was before. His love has not increased for me. I just can see Him more clearly. My desire to learn of Him is so I can better know who He is and celebrate Him in my life through love. This must be why people shout praises unto Him. I gave Him my sins, sorrow, and burdens. He took them willingly and in return gave me the peace that passeth all understanding. What an incredibly wonderful exchange!


All of this came about because I have a friend who asked hard questions of me that I am not sure he knows the answers to. How grateful I am to walk this path with people who aren’t afraid to wonder at it all and who,though imperfect, manifest His light through their hands. I am full of joy as I marvel at the beauty of His greatest creations; us! Thank you to my friend...when it is all said and done, nothing will ever be as big as the gift that you gave to me.

A dialogue between two broken souls....

Part of your Heart
Kiss me gently
and
ferverently
Look at me
and into me
with tenderness
give me
a part,
a taste
of your heart
and I will
open up
and share what I have left
to give
what I have left
to believe in
reserve what you must
for the
darkness
that still haunts you
pay homage
to that god
until the account
is settled
and
you are at peace
but
kiss me
my love
my friend
with all that is left over
and give it freely,
gently
and slowly
don’t hold back
and
find your way
to me...

A dialogue between two broken souls...

Unresponsive
If I had
a part of my heart
to give
and
I could pull back
from the noise
and
stand
in the silence
and
even access
that remote place
in me
perhaps
I could share it
for a while
with you…
but more likely
I will turn
away;
away from it
and away from you
god-
I am sorry…
please
love me anyway
in spite of it all
I need you to…