To be loved
And unseen
Seemed
a contradiction
Yet I am
beginning to see
A love
Beyond today
In our silence
And I am comforted
And reminded
That love
Is really considering the other person
Or people
And what is best
Eternally
For them
I am loved
the most
In the silence
And in the absence
Of you
You wavered
and faltered
But ultimately
You stayed true
I can see you
In my mind
Still my friend
Til the end
More my friend
than ever
I am being refined
Because of the silent moments
Without you
They are carving an imprint
On my soul
That is taking me
Where I need to go
This is the Best Of All Possible Situations
For me to learn
I am better
Without you
You knew
What I didn’t
You did
What I couldn’t
I thank the Lord
For the absence of you...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
What will I find?
It has been over
For so long in my heart
I learned to fly solo
And now can't seem to start
I couldn’t keep needing you
When you were never there
My heart’s door slammed shut
And I ceased to care
I dried my tears
and killed my vulnerability
became a modern day woman
cloaked in invincibility
Chorus:
But if I walk away
What would I be leaving behind?
And if I turn around and stay
What might I possibly find?
Are there treasured moments
Of intimacy I can’t yet see
Are there mountains of memories
Of love between you and me?
And If open up again
And if I stay
I am vulnerable to that pain
That just barely went away
I am not certain
That I can make it through
One more time
Of needing you
And having you be gone
In body or in spirit
I am not convinced
that I am strong enough to bear it
Chorus
But what kind of woman
Would I really be
If I didn’t explore you
And truly try to see?
Last Chorus:
I won’t walk away
I’ll see what I’d be leaving behind
I will turn around and stay
And love what I find
There are treasured moments
Of intimacy I can’t yet see
There are mountains of memories
Of love between you and me
For so long in my heart
I learned to fly solo
And now can't seem to start
I couldn’t keep needing you
When you were never there
My heart’s door slammed shut
And I ceased to care
I dried my tears
and killed my vulnerability
became a modern day woman
cloaked in invincibility
Chorus:
But if I walk away
What would I be leaving behind?
And if I turn around and stay
What might I possibly find?
Are there treasured moments
Of intimacy I can’t yet see
Are there mountains of memories
Of love between you and me?
And If open up again
And if I stay
I am vulnerable to that pain
That just barely went away
I am not certain
That I can make it through
One more time
Of needing you
And having you be gone
In body or in spirit
I am not convinced
that I am strong enough to bear it
Chorus
But what kind of woman
Would I really be
If I didn’t explore you
And truly try to see?
Last Chorus:
I won’t walk away
I’ll see what I’d be leaving behind
I will turn around and stay
And love what I find
There are treasured moments
Of intimacy I can’t yet see
There are mountains of memories
Of love between you and me
Friday, May 16, 2008
Self-proclaimed Recovering Cat Lady Story
Day 1
It all seemed so innocent. My neighbor Jen's sister had kittens that needed a home. We just had one cat,Scout and I am a sucker for small children who want small,furry animals apparently. So, I took not one, but two home with me that fateful summer day almost 2 years ago.
Day 340
The kittens got bigger. Little Ann and Old Dan,named after the dogs in Where the Red Fern Grows, seemed to be doing well. They were growing well and getting along...turns out, a little too well, as Little Ann was pregnant! Right around this time, in my defense, my husband fell and had a concussion that kept him out of work and unwell for 3 months so I was busy, to be sure.
Don't worry about the lecture regarding how many kittens are born and unwanted. I already know. I was simply too busy to take care of the darn cats and so...here I was.
Day 365ish
Little Ann delivers a healthy bunch of kittens. My children are thrilled. They can't imagine anything more wonderful than being a part of this miracle of nature. I was nauseated by it. I passed too quickly from the innocence of childhood to the reality of being an adult!
6 weeks later
Here is where the real problem began. Graham had recovered from his head injury and was back at work. It was time to get rid of the kittens. So, first we tried to talk everyone we knew into taking one. We got rid of one that way. Then, there were three kittens;Luke, Little Dan and Mylie. We almost got Mandee to take Mylie but her cat Cochino wouldn't die to make room at their house so Mylie stayed with us. Notice the sense Mandee used in only allowing one cat to enter her home at a time! That is why she is my best friend, she is REALLY smart! The next idea on my list was the humane society. I asked Graham to take them and he said ok and then didn't................................................................
Weeks later
We still had three kittens. I was then learning the painful lesson of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I didn't want to take the kittens in because I felt so guilty that I hadn't had the Mom cat fixed and I couldn't face the emotional trauma of confessing my sins to the cat loving worker at the Humane Society who would look on me with such disdain. I just refused to go. Apparently, Graham felt similarly. Well, probably not, but he didn't take them either. I stood on principle and wound up with a house full of cats. Not smart!
Weeks Later
Still waiting for Graham to take the dang cats to the pound.
Weeks Later
Still waiting for dang Graham to take the cats to the pound.
Weeks Later
Becca came and banished all cats to the garage!
One scary night while Graham was home on leave and I was blissfully unaware(and happy, by the way) in Hawaii, Graham woke up to find a strange cat, other than one of our 6, running through the house. He grabbed a dagger and chased it around, apparently bent on stabbing it if he got close enough. Becca got a huge kick out of this! I thought it was a little creepy myself.
A Week or so Later
Graham deployed to Washington State prior to his tour in Afghanistan. The cats do not deploy. They appear to be staying, unless Graham has planned a kidnapping reconnaissance mission from Washington State and enlisted the help of his buddies still here.
Still waiting...Well, a girl can hope!
A Few Weeks Later
The inevitable had happened AGAIN. We have quite the fertile home. Little Ann gave birth to litter number 2, bringing the total number of cats in my house up to 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't handle this well at all. The kids were again totally overjoyed!!!!
Sadly for the kids, one kitten died, bring our total number of cats to nine!
A Week or so Later
Old Dan dies in the garage. I refuse to even look at the poor cat so my neighbor comes and buries it in my backyard. I didn't even cry. What has become of me? I used to be so loving? Now, I hate cats.
One more down, seven to go!
I try to pay the neighbor kid $10 per cat to take the three older kittens (9 months old by this point)to the pound. He refuses.
4 Weeks Later
I called Animal Control looking for traps for the black stray cat that Graham almost killed weeks previously. By this point, I was wishing he had killed it. It was sneaking into our house at odd hours of the night and fighting in my basement with my cats. And frankly, the night that the neighbor's cat joined the party, I almost wanted to kill them myself!
2 Weeks Later
Animal Control finally called back. They don't have any traps available but I am welcome to buy the traps myself. Fearing that the cats would die in the traps before the animal control people got around to picking them up, I decided this wasn't going to work!
I begged my friends for mercy. They agreed to take the cats if I could catch them.
2 Weeks Later
Kicklighter's unite! We had to man our stations and set up the house. We were strangely giddy and nervous, like burglars about to steal a large diamond or something! But we were prepared. We had a cat carrier, a can of tuna, 2 toy boxes with lids and 7 able bodies! We went to work.
The first 4 cats were pretty easy to catch. We put them in a box and set Audrey and Jane on top of it so they couldn't escape because believe me they were trying to!
The next one fell for the tuna in the cat carrier trick. Thank heavens!
Delainey heroically picked up the next one and was badly scratched but she did it for the team. Yeah Delainey!
The last one was pyscho! Luke raced around the house like a crazy cat! Brandt laid on the floor in front of the vent, Monterey held the door to the basement closed. Jesse shut all the upstairs doors and we chased the cat around the house. He tore around the corners so fast and tried to climb up Monterey to open the door to escape into the basement. But she wouldn't let go of the doorknob, she just held it and screamed! Because she held it, Luke came racing up the stairs and ran right into the box and Delainey slammed on the lid and we seriously praised the Lord. This was after a few choice words by me! Sorry Kids! It was intense, really funny and hard, all at the same time.
One hour later
We drove to the Humane Society. I had to give them my driver's license and they put me on the bad cat person list. Not really, but that is how I felt. Surprisingly, they were really nice, especially after I paid them a huge amount of money to take them. It was worth every penny for sure! It sure assuaged some of my guilt! One kitty went home with a sweet lady whose kitten was dying so that helped me a little, but still six cats to the Humane Society....Do they euthanize? I didn't ask. I couldn't bear to know. I am a wimp.
My friends are wild with glee that my cats are gone. I am morose and guilt filled. I called my Dad. He felt guilty too and he lives in California. Apparently, I received a guilt gene from him. Thanks Dad!
Two days later
I am still trying to get over the guilt of being cat free except for Scout. It is eerily quiet at my home, especially at night around 4 a.m. I've slept right through 4 a.m. two days in a row. I feel unsettled.I have learned a valuable lesson about resentment though. What they say is true. Resentment is a poison you drink yourself that you intended for someone else. In all seriousness, I did NOT want to take those cats to the pound. I wanted Graham to do it. But, because I didn't take them, I wound up with a bigger problem (10 cats instead of 6) and then suffered the guilt over the new kitties! It wasn't worth it. So the MOTS(moral of the story)is, Take care of what your spouse refuses to do before it becomes a much bigger problem that you have to take care of anyway!!!
And another MOTS is Next time one of my kids asks for a pet, I will say NO! unless it is a rock. :-)
And that, my friends, is my cat story. Sorry it took so long to tell it. I was waiting for the cats to be gone first and frankly, that took a tiny bit longer than I expected!
It all seemed so innocent. My neighbor Jen's sister had kittens that needed a home. We just had one cat,Scout and I am a sucker for small children who want small,furry animals apparently. So, I took not one, but two home with me that fateful summer day almost 2 years ago.
Day 340
The kittens got bigger. Little Ann and Old Dan,named after the dogs in Where the Red Fern Grows, seemed to be doing well. They were growing well and getting along...turns out, a little too well, as Little Ann was pregnant! Right around this time, in my defense, my husband fell and had a concussion that kept him out of work and unwell for 3 months so I was busy, to be sure.
Don't worry about the lecture regarding how many kittens are born and unwanted. I already know. I was simply too busy to take care of the darn cats and so...here I was.
Day 365ish
Little Ann delivers a healthy bunch of kittens. My children are thrilled. They can't imagine anything more wonderful than being a part of this miracle of nature. I was nauseated by it. I passed too quickly from the innocence of childhood to the reality of being an adult!
6 weeks later
Here is where the real problem began. Graham had recovered from his head injury and was back at work. It was time to get rid of the kittens. So, first we tried to talk everyone we knew into taking one. We got rid of one that way. Then, there were three kittens;Luke, Little Dan and Mylie. We almost got Mandee to take Mylie but her cat Cochino wouldn't die to make room at their house so Mylie stayed with us. Notice the sense Mandee used in only allowing one cat to enter her home at a time! That is why she is my best friend, she is REALLY smart! The next idea on my list was the humane society. I asked Graham to take them and he said ok and then didn't................................................................
Weeks later
We still had three kittens. I was then learning the painful lesson of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I didn't want to take the kittens in because I felt so guilty that I hadn't had the Mom cat fixed and I couldn't face the emotional trauma of confessing my sins to the cat loving worker at the Humane Society who would look on me with such disdain. I just refused to go. Apparently, Graham felt similarly. Well, probably not, but he didn't take them either. I stood on principle and wound up with a house full of cats. Not smart!
Weeks Later
Still waiting for Graham to take the dang cats to the pound.
Weeks Later
Still waiting for dang Graham to take the cats to the pound.
Weeks Later
Becca came and banished all cats to the garage!
One scary night while Graham was home on leave and I was blissfully unaware(and happy, by the way) in Hawaii, Graham woke up to find a strange cat, other than one of our 6, running through the house. He grabbed a dagger and chased it around, apparently bent on stabbing it if he got close enough. Becca got a huge kick out of this! I thought it was a little creepy myself.
A Week or so Later
Graham deployed to Washington State prior to his tour in Afghanistan. The cats do not deploy. They appear to be staying, unless Graham has planned a kidnapping reconnaissance mission from Washington State and enlisted the help of his buddies still here.
Still waiting...Well, a girl can hope!
A Few Weeks Later
The inevitable had happened AGAIN. We have quite the fertile home. Little Ann gave birth to litter number 2, bringing the total number of cats in my house up to 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't handle this well at all. The kids were again totally overjoyed!!!!
Sadly for the kids, one kitten died, bring our total number of cats to nine!
A Week or so Later
Old Dan dies in the garage. I refuse to even look at the poor cat so my neighbor comes and buries it in my backyard. I didn't even cry. What has become of me? I used to be so loving? Now, I hate cats.
One more down, seven to go!
I try to pay the neighbor kid $10 per cat to take the three older kittens (9 months old by this point)to the pound. He refuses.
4 Weeks Later
I called Animal Control looking for traps for the black stray cat that Graham almost killed weeks previously. By this point, I was wishing he had killed it. It was sneaking into our house at odd hours of the night and fighting in my basement with my cats. And frankly, the night that the neighbor's cat joined the party, I almost wanted to kill them myself!
2 Weeks Later
Animal Control finally called back. They don't have any traps available but I am welcome to buy the traps myself. Fearing that the cats would die in the traps before the animal control people got around to picking them up, I decided this wasn't going to work!
I begged my friends for mercy. They agreed to take the cats if I could catch them.
2 Weeks Later
Kicklighter's unite! We had to man our stations and set up the house. We were strangely giddy and nervous, like burglars about to steal a large diamond or something! But we were prepared. We had a cat carrier, a can of tuna, 2 toy boxes with lids and 7 able bodies! We went to work.
The first 4 cats were pretty easy to catch. We put them in a box and set Audrey and Jane on top of it so they couldn't escape because believe me they were trying to!
The next one fell for the tuna in the cat carrier trick. Thank heavens!
Delainey heroically picked up the next one and was badly scratched but she did it for the team. Yeah Delainey!
The last one was pyscho! Luke raced around the house like a crazy cat! Brandt laid on the floor in front of the vent, Monterey held the door to the basement closed. Jesse shut all the upstairs doors and we chased the cat around the house. He tore around the corners so fast and tried to climb up Monterey to open the door to escape into the basement. But she wouldn't let go of the doorknob, she just held it and screamed! Because she held it, Luke came racing up the stairs and ran right into the box and Delainey slammed on the lid and we seriously praised the Lord. This was after a few choice words by me! Sorry Kids! It was intense, really funny and hard, all at the same time.
One hour later
We drove to the Humane Society. I had to give them my driver's license and they put me on the bad cat person list. Not really, but that is how I felt. Surprisingly, they were really nice, especially after I paid them a huge amount of money to take them. It was worth every penny for sure! It sure assuaged some of my guilt! One kitty went home with a sweet lady whose kitten was dying so that helped me a little, but still six cats to the Humane Society....Do they euthanize? I didn't ask. I couldn't bear to know. I am a wimp.
My friends are wild with glee that my cats are gone. I am morose and guilt filled. I called my Dad. He felt guilty too and he lives in California. Apparently, I received a guilt gene from him. Thanks Dad!
Two days later
I am still trying to get over the guilt of being cat free except for Scout. It is eerily quiet at my home, especially at night around 4 a.m. I've slept right through 4 a.m. two days in a row. I feel unsettled.I have learned a valuable lesson about resentment though. What they say is true. Resentment is a poison you drink yourself that you intended for someone else. In all seriousness, I did NOT want to take those cats to the pound. I wanted Graham to do it. But, because I didn't take them, I wound up with a bigger problem (10 cats instead of 6) and then suffered the guilt over the new kitties! It wasn't worth it. So the MOTS(moral of the story)is, Take care of what your spouse refuses to do before it becomes a much bigger problem that you have to take care of anyway!!!
And another MOTS is Next time one of my kids asks for a pet, I will say NO! unless it is a rock. :-)
And that, my friends, is my cat story. Sorry it took so long to tell it. I was waiting for the cats to be gone first and frankly, that took a tiny bit longer than I expected!
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