Absence of You

To be loved
And unseen
Seemed
a contradiction
Yet I am
beginning to see
A love
Beyond today
In our silence
And I am comforted
And reminded
That love
Is really considering the other person
Or people
And what is best
Eternally
For them
I am loved
the most
In the silence
And in the absence
Of you
You wavered
and faltered
But ultimately
You stayed true
I can see you
In my mind
Still my friend
Til the end
More my friend
than ever
I am being refined
Because of the silent moments
Without you
They are carving an imprint
On my soul
That is taking me
Where I need to go
This is the Best Of All Possible Situations
For me to learn
I am better
Without you
You knew
What I didn’t
You did
What I couldn’t
I thank the Lord
For the absence of you...

What will I find?

It has been over
For so long in my heart
I learned to fly solo
And now can't seem to start

I couldn’t keep needing you
When you were never there
My heart’s door slammed shut
And I ceased to care

I dried my tears
and killed my vulnerability
became a modern day woman
cloaked in invincibility

Chorus:
But if I walk away
What would I be leaving behind?
And if I turn around and stay
What might I possibly find?

Are there treasured moments
Of intimacy I can’t yet see
Are there mountains of memories
Of love between you and me?

And If open up again
And if I stay
I am vulnerable to that pain
That just barely went away

I am not certain
That I can make it through
One more time
Of needing you

And having you be gone
In body or in spirit
I am not convinced
that I am strong enough to bear it

Chorus

But what kind of woman
Would I really be
If I didn’t explore you
And truly try to see?

Last Chorus:

I won’t walk away
I’ll see what I’d be leaving behind
I will turn around and stay
And love what I find

There are treasured moments
Of intimacy I can’t yet see
There are mountains of memories
Of love between you and me

Self-proclaimed Recovering Cat Lady Story

Day 1
It all seemed so innocent. My neighbor Jen's sister had kittens that needed a home. We just had one cat,Scout and I am a sucker for small children who want small,furry animals apparently. So, I took not one, but two home with me that fateful summer day almost 2 years ago.

Day 340
The kittens got bigger. Little Ann and Old Dan,named after the dogs in Where the Red Fern Grows, seemed to be doing well. They were growing well and getting along...turns out, a little too well, as Little Ann was pregnant! Right around this time, in my defense, my husband fell and had a concussion that kept him out of work and unwell for 3 months so I was busy, to be sure.

Don't worry about the lecture regarding how many kittens are born and unwanted. I already know. I was simply too busy to take care of the darn cats and so...here I was.

Day 365ish
Little Ann delivers a healthy bunch of kittens. My children are thrilled. They can't imagine anything more wonderful than being a part of this miracle of nature. I was nauseated by it. I passed too quickly from the innocence of childhood to the reality of being an adult!

6 weeks later
Here is where the real problem began. Graham had recovered from his head injury and was back at work. It was time to get rid of the kittens. So, first we tried to talk everyone we knew into taking one. We got rid of one that way. Then, there were three kittens;Luke, Little Dan and Mylie. We almost got Mandee to take Mylie but her cat Cochino wouldn't die to make room at their house so Mylie stayed with us. Notice the sense Mandee used in only allowing one cat to enter her home at a time! That is why she is my best friend, she is REALLY smart! The next idea on my list was the humane society. I asked Graham to take them and he said ok and then didn't................................................................

Weeks later
We still had three kittens. I was then learning the painful lesson of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I didn't want to take the kittens in because I felt so guilty that I hadn't had the Mom cat fixed and I couldn't face the emotional trauma of confessing my sins to the cat loving worker at the Humane Society who would look on me with such disdain. I just refused to go. Apparently, Graham felt similarly. Well, probably not, but he didn't take them either. I stood on principle and wound up with a house full of cats. Not smart!


Weeks Later
Still waiting for Graham to take the dang cats to the pound.

Weeks Later
Still waiting for dang Graham to take the cats to the pound.

Weeks Later
Becca came and banished all cats to the garage!

One scary night while Graham was home on leave and I was blissfully unaware(and happy, by the way) in Hawaii, Graham woke up to find a strange cat, other than one of our 6, running through the house. He grabbed a dagger and chased it around, apparently bent on stabbing it if he got close enough. Becca got a huge kick out of this! I thought it was a little creepy myself.

A Week or so Later
Graham deployed to Washington State prior to his tour in Afghanistan. The cats do not deploy. They appear to be staying, unless Graham has planned a kidnapping reconnaissance mission from Washington State and enlisted the help of his buddies still here.

Still waiting...Well, a girl can hope!

A Few Weeks Later
The inevitable had happened AGAIN. We have quite the fertile home. Little Ann gave birth to litter number 2, bringing the total number of cats in my house up to 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't handle this well at all. The kids were again totally overjoyed!!!!
Sadly for the kids, one kitten died, bring our total number of cats to nine!

A Week or so Later
Old Dan dies in the garage. I refuse to even look at the poor cat so my neighbor comes and buries it in my backyard. I didn't even cry. What has become of me? I used to be so loving? Now, I hate cats.

One more down, seven to go!

I try to pay the neighbor kid $10 per cat to take the three older kittens (9 months old by this point)to the pound. He refuses.

4 Weeks Later
I called Animal Control looking for traps for the black stray cat that Graham almost killed weeks previously. By this point, I was wishing he had killed it. It was sneaking into our house at odd hours of the night and fighting in my basement with my cats. And frankly, the night that the neighbor's cat joined the party, I almost wanted to kill them myself!

2 Weeks Later
Animal Control finally called back. They don't have any traps available but I am welcome to buy the traps myself. Fearing that the cats would die in the traps before the animal control people got around to picking them up, I decided this wasn't going to work!
I begged my friends for mercy. They agreed to take the cats if I could catch them.

2 Weeks Later
Kicklighter's unite! We had to man our stations and set up the house. We were strangely giddy and nervous, like burglars about to steal a large diamond or something! But we were prepared. We had a cat carrier, a can of tuna, 2 toy boxes with lids and 7 able bodies! We went to work.

The first 4 cats were pretty easy to catch. We put them in a box and set Audrey and Jane on top of it so they couldn't escape because believe me they were trying to!

The next one fell for the tuna in the cat carrier trick. Thank heavens!

Delainey heroically picked up the next one and was badly scratched but she did it for the team. Yeah Delainey!

The last one was pyscho! Luke raced around the house like a crazy cat! Brandt laid on the floor in front of the vent, Monterey held the door to the basement closed. Jesse shut all the upstairs doors and we chased the cat around the house. He tore around the corners so fast and tried to climb up Monterey to open the door to escape into the basement. But she wouldn't let go of the doorknob, she just held it and screamed! Because she held it, Luke came racing up the stairs and ran right into the box and Delainey slammed on the lid and we seriously praised the Lord. This was after a few choice words by me! Sorry Kids! It was intense, really funny and hard, all at the same time.

One hour later
We drove to the Humane Society. I had to give them my driver's license and they put me on the bad cat person list. Not really, but that is how I felt. Surprisingly, they were really nice, especially after I paid them a huge amount of money to take them. It was worth every penny for sure! It sure assuaged some of my guilt! One kitty went home with a sweet lady whose kitten was dying so that helped me a little, but still six cats to the Humane Society....Do they euthanize? I didn't ask. I couldn't bear to know. I am a wimp.

My friends are wild with glee that my cats are gone. I am morose and guilt filled. I called my Dad. He felt guilty too and he lives in California. Apparently, I received a guilt gene from him. Thanks Dad!

Two days later
I am still trying to get over the guilt of being cat free except for Scout. It is eerily quiet at my home, especially at night around 4 a.m. I've slept right through 4 a.m. two days in a row. I feel unsettled.I have learned a valuable lesson about resentment though. What they say is true. Resentment is a poison you drink yourself that you intended for someone else. In all seriousness, I did NOT want to take those cats to the pound. I wanted Graham to do it. But, because I didn't take them, I wound up with a bigger problem (10 cats instead of 6) and then suffered the guilt over the new kitties! It wasn't worth it. So the MOTS(moral of the story)is, Take care of what your spouse refuses to do before it becomes a much bigger problem that you have to take care of anyway!!!

And another MOTS is Next time one of my kids asks for a pet, I will say NO! unless it is a rock. :-)

And that, my friends, is my cat story. Sorry it took so long to tell it. I was waiting for the cats to be gone first and frankly, that took a tiny bit longer than I expected!

Finals are Finally Over!

WHEW! I am happy to report that my finals are finished and I am into Spring term as of tomorrow! Only 5 more classes to go until I graduate. I had quite the semester going full time with my 6 kids and being board president. I can't claim to have handled it very gracefully. Many nights, I came home to a thrashed house with dirty dishes. Sometimes I was superMom and sometimes, I made everyone clean like crazy because I had to have control over something in my chaotic and overwhelming life. It wasn't always pretty and I definitely wasn't always pretty! Towards the end, with the health problems, I had to talk myself into showering on some days. I just ran out of energy. However, I made it through and my kids did too. Some of them think college isn't very fun, which isn't the impression I wanted to give, but it has been stressful to be sure. Again, I must report, I have been carried through the hardest parts. I had the Spirit tell me to not worry about a final last week because I wouldn't be there for it and then sure enough, I ended up in the emergency room instead! My teacher was very gracious about it. I talked a teacher into given us our final as a take home and was given extra time on my huge paper on Tess of the D'Urbervilles. My grades are way better than they should have been. I learned that doing my best at 39 with 6 kids is different than doing my best if I was young and single without any other obligations. The Lord indeed does His part and shoulders my burdens, consistently and with such incredible mercy. It is overwhelming to witness His love. I haven't had much time for poetry in the last few weeks but it is brewing internally so look for some in the coming days!

I have a great cat story coming as well. I just have to get rid of a few first! But it is funny!

Glorious Day

I can't let the sun go down on this Easter Sunday without sharing some thoughts about my Savior and the blessings I have received because of His infinite atonement. I realized this week how lucky I am to have gone through the trials that I have in the last eight months as well as all the trials of my lifetime. I have learned an incredible amount and have been carried through experiences that would have before been impossible for me to bear. I know the reason that I am succeeding is because of the love the Savior has for me and for the quiet direction that comes from the Spirit. I have been freed from things that have bound me over and over in my life. I understand complete victory through the Lord. And I am finally old enough to comprehend that those very trials are what have made me who I am and brought me closer to the Savior. Every complete victory I have ever experienced has come from being on my knees, admitting my inability to conquer alone and the subsequent strength and desire that comes directly from the Spirit. I feel so blessed to have had the journey that I have had because I know completely that He can do for me what I can not do for myself. I have experienced it first hand and my faith is steadfast and immovable based on the Savior's track record in my life. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol, sugar, lack of exercise, anger, pride or any other issue. What is fascinating to me is to actually understand the words of Paul when he talks about glorying in his infirmities because it increases his dependence on the Lord. I feel a tremendous amount of joy in the middle of great uncertainty about my future. I know for sure that Christ's gifts are continual. I need not wait for the happy ending at the end of my story but can feel the joy right in the middle of the path, whether I am beset about by pain or not. It no longer matters. I have agreed to bear the burdens of others. Sometimes that means that others will hurt me or judge me. Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong. It matters not which. It only matters that I promised to bear the burdens and all of you wonderful people are bearing my burdens as well. When I think about the people who have been brought into my life to teach me, I am overwhelmed by the desire the Savior has to bless each one of us. I could list for pages the friends that I have and how they have added to my life. Some of the greatest lessons have come from those that have let me down and hurt me. Still others have held me while I have wept from the pain inflicted by others or even pain I inflicted upon myself. It is a beautiful symphony with everyone playing a profoundly important part. I am filled with such peace as I walk this path and I am inexplicably grateful for my testimony of my Savior and the way I feel in this moment. A thousands thanks to all of you who have helped me along my way. I hope that I can be a blessing rather than a burden in your lives. If I have been a burden, I thank you for allowing me my imperfections and loving me anyways.

Vision Turned

If we could see the spirits
of those on the street
We'd take a moment
and stop them and meet
We'd linger in their presence
and learn what we could
We'd sit at their feet
longer than we should
Sometimes we are afforded
a glimpse into the soul
of someone who passes by
we are certain that we know
It is tempting in that case
to worship and bow down
Their glory is so great
You can almost see their crown
It is a precarious balance
to remember who they are
and admire and learn
without taking it too far
and sacrificing ourselves
or laying down flat
on top of the wrong altar
and being consumed like that
I have been thrown off
my course for a time
by the spirit of another
My focus became blind
I could see so clearly
the depth of love and care
I could see nothing else
and I tripped into the snare
What started as a gift
to be cherished and kept
became a winding trial
And oh-how I've wept
The truth has set me free
I can again see
I know what is required
and the place I long to be
My sights are again on heaven
and my soul turned to the Lord
He is all that I truly need
And that is all I can afford

Musings from my Hawaiian vacation

Well, it has been 15 years since I have had a real vacation for any length of time so naturally, it was going to be spectacular. And it was...just as I expected. Here are some of the highlights...

1st day-Mandee pronounced we could never get lost in an airport and then we promptly got lost in LAX. It turns out they have MANY terminals and we were in the wrong one for a long, long time! Luckily, we made a friend, Michelle, and the three of us practically ran to our terminal and then to our gate and sat down and waited for a half hour because the flight was delayed. I tired quickly of taking my belt off and putting it back on again. I had to go through security twice in LAX alone. It felt awkward doing that in front of large groups of people with stinky feet. I am referring to their feet, by the way, not mine!

We arrived in Honolulu at last. Our toiletries made it but ALL of our clothes were still in LA. Rats! I somewhat panicked. I needed my pajamas! Mandee took it all in stride and looked forward to shopping the next day. It was a rough 10 minutes for me while I tried to wrap my brain around not having all the new clothes I had just bought in a size 6 for the first time in years. How quickly one can go from being concerned about real problems to completely insignificant ones...but hey, I was on vacation and if there is ever a time for frivolity, this would be it!

Note to self: Next year; pack one bathing suit, cover up and flip flops in carry on.

We didn't cook or clean or do laundry or discipline anyone for any reason. There was no homework, no lectures, no carpools, no board meetings, no phones calls(okay, a few phone calls for the school),no responsibilities or decisions to make that affected lots of other people.

Did I mention it has been a while since I have taken a break?

Day 2
We bought new bathing suits and dresses! It was turning out better than I had hoped! Our luggage arrived and now I had more new clothes, not less! Isn't life grand?

Note to self: leave all clothes in checked in luggage.

We ate pineapple. We sat on the beach. I read a book without a purpose. It was delicious. This was the last day of straight hair for me. I had to roll with the humidity and go with what the Lord gave me...curls! I found out it is easier and that is what this week was all about...nice and easy!

We met a crazy, drugged man who beat us with bamboo mats when we didn't properly answer his question about whether he looked like a "bus man". I had no idea what he meant. I apparently answered incorrectly because that's when I got hit with the mat! We went inside after maintaining distance and watching him dance around and karate kick for a while.


Sadly, I have to resume my studying so I will write more about my vacation tomorrow. The real world is banging on my door. I have waited too long to answer. Tune in tomorrow to find out what happened next...

Check out the pictures for a preview. We had a blast and laughed ourselves silly.

Day 3

To prove I am a good friend, I rode a shuttle for 45 minutes for twelve dollars to go to a hawaiian flea market! And I ate soggy ceasar salad. It is hard to be a vegetarian around so much pork! Every stand had the same necklaces, t-shirts, bracelets etc. By the way, the necklaces are already broken...but wait, I am still on vacation in my mind so I will hurry back to my story!

We ate at Duke's or the Hula grill, I cant remember which. The food was yummy!

Some observations I made about myself on vacation:
I left my memory in LAX. I could only remember things that had to do with the sun:
sunsets
sunblock
sunsets
sunglasses
sunsets
sunshine
and oh yeah
sunsets!

I seriously lost 50 IQ points and constantly said the wrong words or no words came out at all. This proved to be great for the laughter we were consequently surrounded by. Luckily, I don't mind laughing at myself, and to be fair, Mandee was a little stupid too.

We almost made it through the movie "Across the Universe" but lack of drugs prevented us from finishing it. It got way psychedelic and we both fell asleep. So much for late night party girls! We did go to bed past midnight every night(Utah time)!!!

Day 4

It rained.

It was a fabulous day! In the morning, we hung out with Mike, the golf coach from Auburn University and he educated us on the finer points of the south, including how the south should have won the war and how parents should smack their children. He has been happily married for 28 years and thankfully, doesn't have any children to smack. His hands were full with the boys on his golf team. We enjoyed him immensely. He was an authentic southerner.

We had massages and mine was blissful. I actually learned alot during it. I love when that happens with the Spirit. Touch is a beautiful thing and we all need it.
We then had manicures and pedicures and went shopping. I found some great dancing shoes. Now I just needed to go dancing!

I literally had no problems the entire time I was there. What was so bizarre was how quickly my conversation turned to things that didn't matter, like how my hair looked, or whether my nail polish smudged. Typically, I have neither time nor inclination to care about that but with no other worries, I became quite superficial. It was interesting but I couldn't live that way long term, not enough depth but it sure was relaxing to let go of the serious stuff that makes up my ordinary life. I guess I took a vacation from my brain!

Day 5

It rained men.

This was the day when all the men came out to play. We met Jason and Chair and Aka and a surf instructor and guys from the luau.

Having discovered that younger men will actually occassionally be interested in older women, I was very careful about what I said and navigated my way through the experience quite nicely. After "Chair" followed us back to our hotel and asked for phone numbers, I jumped on the elevator and hid, leaving Mandee to handle him, which she did quite well. She teased me mercilessly about bailing on her though.

Jason, a 25 year old ex-soldier, was full of booze and philosophy. He actually said some wise things though I am not convinced he believed or remembered them the next day. He had 13 screws and 7 plates in his hip from a motorcycle accident. He was an interesting character.

I finished my second novel for the week. It was about friendship and I felt irriated briefly with Mandee for causing me to love her so much because when one of us dies, the other one is going to have major problems. I cheered up when I remembered how much older I am then her and that I will most likely die first so she will have to miss me!

The luau was fun! Hawaiians are very touchy feely people and we are from Utah so the letting strange men kiss our cheeks thing was a little uncomfotable for us. We laughed our way through it though and had a blast! The best part was watching the national guardsmen learn the hulu on stage. It was very entertaining! We met "chair" there who let us lean our backs on him during the luau, which caused problems that were solved in a prior paragraph. He was maybe 22 years old so it seemed perfectly safe. Another lesson learned. Sometimes I can be too friendly on accident!

Thankfully, this was the only day it rained men.

Day 6

We rented a convertible and blared music and sang at the top of our lungs around the island while taking pictures and stopping everywhere we could. It was exhilirating to be in that beautiful place absorbing it all. Very little is better than singing and admiring beauty at the same time. I was in heaven. Singing opens my heart in a way that nothing else does. I love to write but it is the singing that frees my soul and allows me to soar. It makes the feelings that are overwhelming my heart break free and they become manageable and subdued.

We stopped at the Laie Temple for a while. It was absolutely breathtaking and so peaceful. It was definitely the most peaceful place on the island. The Lord's grace and love was palatable there.

We went to the North Shore, saw Pipeline and watched a bodyboarding competition that was really cool. Graham asked us to go to take pictures at Log Cabins so we trudged through deep, sinking sand, for what seemed like miles, and finally found a Hawaiian guy who knew what we were talking about. He laughed and laughed that we were looking for "log cabins" because apparently, it is a surf spot in the WATER! Graham used to surf there alot when he lived there. It would have been nice to know THAT before we got there!! I got some good pictures of the WATER for him. And it was a good workout so there were benefits, especially because we only went to the gym once during our whol vacation.

We went the Dole Pineapple plantation and I ate chocolate covered pineapple. It was decadent. We watched a brillant sunset on the Northwest corner of the island. I never tired of the sunset. Every one was so unique and glorious.

While trying to return our car to the rental place, which appeared to have been moved during the day, we circled around a few times. At one point, when Mandee took the map out of my hands for the umteenth time-

Note to whoever may go on vacation with me in the future: don't rely on me for significant navigation or driving, I am really just good at being a passenger! I can sing and dance but am a little spatially challenged. I do, however, promise to make you laugh while you are driving!

-anyways, she was driving down the road and reading the map at the same time and I saw two tourists stepping into the street and the car in front of us stopped. Mandee couldn't see this because she was reading the map so I cried out, "Dead People, Dead People". Amazingly, she understood what I meant and put the brakes on and everyone lived. Then she said, "Stop would have worked better" We laughed hysterically. I have no idea why I said that except that I was afraid we were going to kill them but what an odd thing to say to get someone to stop a moving vehicle. We are still laughing about it today. If you ever hear me yell out "dead people" it is more likely that you need to stop than that I am seeing ghosts!

We tried to go dancing at Senor Frog's but changed our minds and I sat on the beach and wrote some music for the first time since December. It was a gift to have that part of my heart unlocked again.

Day 7

Last day in paradise.

We spent too much time on the beach and Mandee burned half of her and I burned half of me. A lesson learned on vanity. I laid with my tummy exposed for the first time in a REALLY long time and got really burned. If I would've left my bathing suit alone and not tucked it up, I would have been just fine, but no, I was vain and well...I paid for it! Actually , I am still paying for it 4 days later!

We had another massage and the massage woman thought I was Italian because I was so tan. That was the first time this Irish girl had ever been mistaken for Italian. I got a huge kick out of that!

We ate pineapple...again!

We danced together in the billabong store when a great song came on. I think it was Clumsy by Fergie.

Here is my henna tattoo story:

We walked by the street venders and I said to Mandee, "Who would get a neck massage in front of all these people?" Famous last words. So after shopping for Becca for a while, we decide to get henna tattoos. We each got a dragonfly on our ankle. They are pretty cool. I decide, very impulsively, to get a design on my lower back. I picked one out and then turned backwards in the chair and, hello, had to lift up my shirt and tuck things everywhere and he proceeded to draw it. Keep in mind, people are strolling and staring up and down the boulevard. I won't be able to see the tattoo because it is on my back and frankly, no one else will see it either...so there really wasn't a point to it at all. The main problem was, though, that I didn't consider how to get back to the hotel with a wet henna tattoo on my back. I had to walk around the street like that because it was our last night and I wasn't done shopping for my kids. I looked like a complete weirdo with my sweatshirt pulled down over my tummy in the front and hiked up to my bra in the back. I don't normally show the small of my back to anyone, let alone to the entire tourist population of Waikiki. It was a lesson in humility and also in thinking things through. I laughed so hard and so did Mandee, who had the intelligence to get her other one on her hand, although she had a hard time packing because of it. At least she was fully clothed while we finished shopping!

Day 8

Woke at 4 a.m. to go to airport where we waited for 2 hours for our flight.
We accidentally discussed the benefits of politicians using LSD with a fellow traveler. I think it had something to do with "Across the Universe."

I cried when we landed. Re-entry was painful. Loads of homework and laundry and responsibilities. How grateful I am to my six beautiful children who make it all worth it!

I can't wait for next February when I get to go back to Waikiki and envelop myself in the sun and sand and beauty again.

The absolute best part of this vacation was being with Mandee and all the laughter. We laughed hard every day over many different things that probably seem stupid when you weren't there. It is a special friendship, one that I will treasure for eternity.
Thanks Mandee Joe! You know how much I love you.