Finished

I have Blackness in My heart It’s ruining my mascara And my self-perception It’s bringing Walls I’ve carefully Decorated Crashing down They disintegrate Into ashes I’m naked Flawed Not overflowing With anything But tears I kneel Beg to be forgiven He waits patiently For me to forgive It is finished On all sides He is waiting For me To awaken To the truth; It’s been finished Since before It began It was always His intention For me To stand Whole Reconciled To him

Irony

You were shut down and cold-
closed off to love
And yet I loved you
With a bright intensity
That struck me dumb
Time past
My flame only fanned a flicker in you
Which ebbed and flowed
At turns
Carving untraceable chasms
In my heart
And now I am shut down
And closed off to love…
What we do
And what we do not
affects another soul
sometimes as strangers
sometimes, lovers
Regardless of our intent
I guess I have the she before me to thank
For my cold heart…
It appears to be contagious.

Reflected

I thought for so long
You were encased by glass
But it was me
I was
Confused by the reflection
But now I see...

Loved

Do you hear me when I’m weeping Lord
When I feel so far away?
When I can’t name my trouble Lord
Beside me, do you stay?
Do you think of me as beautiful
Though my face is wet with tears
Do you see beyond the tattered mask
I feebly attempt to wear?
Do you know my heart, my Lord
And how very deep the pain?
How lost I get inside my head
How the fear within has stained?
Do you hold me gently as I fall
Lord, do you love me then too?
When I have hurt those I claim to love
Or been selfish, angry or untrue?
Lord, what about the many times
I come empty to your throne?
When all I have is NOT enough
And my faith and hope have flown?
Do you love me then Lord, anyway
When I am of no worth to you?
Will you pick me up and brush me off
And breathe life into me anew?
And the answer resounds
Through my heart like the balm
That has calmed the troubled sea
And the Lord wraps me up
In the arms of His love
All this He does for me
I can’t wait for the day
When I kneel at His feet
And thank Him for this priceless love
I could have been tossed and thrown away
But instead my heart’s healed from above
And tenderly He walks
Carrying my sorrow and pain
Holding my hand in His
And whispering my name…

You lay there
Broken and bleeding
Skin gray and cold
I watch from behind the glass
Your story left untold
You lay there
Battered and bruised
No skin untouched by pain
You lay there
Labored breathing
No sound when I call your name
I picked you up
And carried you
To the cross I went
I stumbled underneath the weight
Of all the sorrow spent
I couldn’t bear the thought
Of you traveling alone
I couldn’t bear the sound
Of your soul’s inward groan
I tried to take you to the doctor
The world says he can heal
The heart in need of mending
The remedy is real
But you wouldn’t open up the door
Or show up for the day
You wouldn’t leave the pain behind
You refused another way
Woven through this journey
I held your hand
Right through
And whispered prayers to the Master
Who wanted healing for you
He is who I cried to
When your burden, I couldn't keep
He is who comforted me
When your pain was too deep
And I lifted you
Day after day
Moment by moment at times
Begging for a release for you
And clarity of mind
I can’t imagine life
Without you close beside
But I can’t help you anymore
I have tried and tried and tried…

Unhappiness

I'm
Not
Sure
A life spent trying to feel better
Is of any more worth
Than a life spent accepting how badly one feels-
They are both focused on Self
And consequently
have the same ending-

Awakened

I woke up
This morning
And I'm still done
No longer capable
Of rising with the sun
And smiling past the tears
And listening to the fears
Of a man whose song is unsung
I woke up
This morning
And I'm still free
No longer tied to you
You're no longer tied to me
And I feel bad
And a bit sad
But mostly emptied
I woke up
This morning
Freed from the weight
That made my heart ache
And it seems that fate
Took what belongs to you
And absconded my view
And I feel great
I am awake!

Walking Free

I haven’t seen
My future
With a man
Holding a ring
I haven’t heard
The bells
From the chapel
Belfry sing
I don’t know
The ending
Of my life
Or my song
How I will love
Or who will come along
But
I am unafraid
Of the journey
In this life
I realize my path
Will often be met with strife
But even more than that
I know within my soul
My path is intended
To eternally make me whole
I walk in that truth
Of being covered by His love
My vision has been turned
I focus on God above.

Sometimes

Sometimes
I don't want to talk
Because all I have inside
Is sorrow
And I'm afraid that it will spill out and over onto people that I love
And so I hide
Until the waves stop crashing
And hope comes back
And I'm the me
Everyone depends on
And loves
I'd like to be loved wholly
But first I'd have to be seen
Completely
And
That takes courage
That I do not possess
While weeping

What you don't know...

I love you enough
To let you go
To stay right here
And you don't know
That I have changed
My heart toward you
Given up the goal
Of a love that's true
I will not allow you
To be sad over me
Because you think
You can't be what I need
Though I think you are wrong
About a couple of things
I won't have you hurt
Over my heart's strings-
We are tethered-Tis true
By choice and by fate
But it's shrouded in friendship
so gently I closed the gate
I love you my friend
To the depth of my soul
The best that I have
To give is my goal
Scattered to the wind
I release my hearts hope
To be with you forever
And silently cope
I give up the desire
I relinquish the plan
Of standing beside you
And holding your hand
I love you enough
To let you go
And stay right here
So you never know....

Rose-colored Glasses

I am one of those people who only gains understanding through experience. Today, after my car was hit and I thought my computer was stolen, I sorrowed for the world we live in and how things aren’t always fair. Just because you wouldn’t do something mean or hateful to someone doesn’t mean someone won’t do it to you, even if it is wrong and hurts you.

And then I realized that I don’t want to live in a world with selfishness and stealing and people who run off after they ram into someone else’s car. I want to live in a world where kindness and manners exist and people do the right thing—I want to believe in people and see their good and foster brotherhood and all the happy stuff Pollyanna talks about in her movie.

But life isn’t always like that, even when viewed through my rose colored glasses. I find that disappointing. Seriously, I cried. Not for the cost of the new bumper or for the cost of replacing the laptop but because I live in a world where people do that to each other.

And then I thought, there is so much worse that happens-horrible violence, death and divorce—small children wounded by the very hands that are supposed to love them—and I wondered why God allowed me to come here, knowing my heart is so tender. How did He think I would ever make it through?

I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that I if I want to live in a world where love triumphs, I had better start loving, even those who run into my car or steal my computer. That is where hope lives, as hard as it is. It lives in forgiveness…all becomes right with the world when you give up your right to hate. So I did and now I feel better.

Taking Flight

I walk with intention
Into the great unknown
With faith shining brightly
And hope traveling along
I fear no mortal man
Or lack of man thereof
I put my faith in Him
Who created from above
I stand at the cliff’s edge
With rocks below of different size
I spread forth my wings,
the wind gives my spirit rise
I release into journey,
the burden and the pain
I accept all that comes
Find joy amidst the rain
I see beyond the day
The troubles here and now
I focus on the love
That carries me somehow
And though I may forget
And stumble as I fly
I will not ever fail
For He will hear my cry…

Second Chair

I'm sitting in
The Second Chair
The First one empty
The First one bare
But shrouded still
In dust and grime
Holding captive
The Audience divine
I'm playing softly
Harmonizing near
Beautiful truths
The Audience can’t hear
I'm inept at this
I can be only me
Sitting here loyally
Playing for thee
Like a lady-in-waiting
Manners and grace
Delighting in the court
Bearing the wrong face
I was scared to play
So I started late
In case I'd fail
And seal my fate
But timidly I began
To learn the song
And grow through practice
It's taken so long
I've started and stopped
Not wanted to care
But I always return
To my Second Chair
And regally I've sat
As if on a throne
But truth be told
I've been playing alone
To the Audience empty
Who left with the first
My seat is secure
But my chair is cursed...

Take Time

Take time
Slowly wind
And heal
Breathe
And feel
And reach out
In your darkness
And clumsily hide your pain
Until the gods show mercy
and you feel free again
And let go of the past
And the trap you've hidden there
And let go of what drove her away
And who you blame and where
You feel the blood
On clean hands it drips
Free yourself at last
No more bitterness on your lips
And search back far enough
That you see what stands between
You and all your happiness
And hope enough to dream
Let sorrow reign down
And then let it drift away
Upon your river of tears
and begin another day
Look into your soul
Gasp loudly at what you find
Revel in your beauty
You are one of a kind
And take all the time you need
to heal from head to toe
I will heal as well
And then we will be free to go…

GRACE & GRIEF

I am seeing the whole
from the ebb and flow
Of gaining wisdom
Oh so slow
Of realizing truth
And then believing
Another lie
Of staving the voices
That contradict
And invite
The madness
And then the peace
Resigned to the knowledge
the battle will never cease
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I love
No matter how much faith
I have in my God above
This life is wrought with beauty
But it’s riddled too, with strife
It haunts me as it blesses
Wielding weakness like a knife
Sharpening my senses
Making acute what was dull
Taking me to new heights
Making my joy full
Blending blood in with the bounty
Sorrow with the pain
Joy comes in the morning
Darkness echoes its refrain
It beckons to me still
After years have come and gone
And I search for equilibrium
On an angry sea of wrongs
Trying to wrap it up
Life’s meaning in a song
Trying to end on hope
That is where I belong
But I falter as I try
to live with the dichotomy
I have to make peace with it
or else have a lobotomy...

Hello/Goodbye

Underneath
the sunshine
and smiles
and unadulterated
joy
tears lie
in wait
in a vice grip
around my heart

Kaleidoscope

I don't know how
To dance with darkness
untangle myself
And fight my way
Back to the surface
I stumble
Trip ungracefully
Land in a puddle
That becomes a pool
And then a sea
gives birth
To an ocean
vast and unending
It swallows me whole
tightness hugs my chest
Gently
At first
As I softly
Imperceptibly
descend farther
Deeper
So much deeper
Than I ever intended
To go
Air extinguished
Panic sets in
I thrash about
Desperately
Searching
Reaching
for the surface
The sun
Where safety lives
But I am too far gone
Hopelessly lost
Lungs fill
With the putrid water
Whose first sip
Was my balm
Confused
I sink
Slowly
Down
Down
Down
The burning crawls
And seeps
Into my every crevice
black overtakes me
My body limp
Head clearer
Seeing past the darkness
Clarity illuminates
The web of deception
I carefully wove
The end is blissfully near
I lean into it
Lungs exploding
Light crashing behind my eyes
Bursts of color
Mixed with white
Bright beyond compare
Oh look
I think to myself
A kaleidoscope....

Fragile Independence

I
am
alone
body racked
heart cracked
by blind choice
I don't like to need
and bleed
at the same time
especially not in relation
to people
I feel stripped naked
Regardless
but the pain
that seeps thru
my skin
seems easier to bare
without eyes upon
my wounds
I huddle
surrounding my soul
with a fierce layer
of protective pride
that keeps out
what I need
and what I desire
but am afraid
to touch
In case
I am
too broken
to receive it
and I shatter
upon contact
I'd rather be alone
and clothed in my pain
than naked
In front of you
and so I am...

Settling into Truth

Settling into my truth
Regardless of what he needs
Or what we can bring to the table
His soul; my soul, it feeds
I wish to be needed by him
But whether allowed or not
He is spectacular to me
Life lessons, I have been taught
And I can't change how I feel
No matter how I soothe
But I can be transformed
And embrace the vulnerable truth
It's easier to hold,
Fluid in my hands
Than rationalizations gone awry
that I couldn't understand
I can never be good enough,
To repay him for all he's done
He'll either be mine or he won’t
Yet in this middle, shines the sun
And I'm not going away
Or refusing a smaller part
If that is what I'm blessed with
I'll keep him in my heart
And nothing's wrong with me
And nothing's wrong with him
Merely because we stopped
Just short
Of what might have been
Ain't got nothing but time
To see what happens to grow
Friendship, soulmate, lover- for-a-time
Only God really knows
On this path I'm taking
What I know and what I feel
He and I will always
Make connections that heal
So somewhere in between
My love and my friend
Lies this man I know
Our story never ends....

Unparalleled

His name reverberates
Off the walls inside my heart
Battered and slowly bleeding
Pieces torn apart
You can only see it
If you peer deep inside
On my pretty face
I wear the smile that hides
Clinging to yesterday
Or what may someday be
I tremble, hidden inside
In a place unknown to me
Flirting with ideas
Contrary to my soul
A thousand fragmented parts
Search recklessly for their whole
Disintegrating cyclically
Full of hope and then despair
I run through nightly dreams
But still he is not there
And the door slams shut
And the lights turn on
I begin to perform the dance
And sing again the song
But my heart, it beats in time
For the one who went away
Whose soul is linked to mine
In unparalleled ways…